I live just outside Toronto in a fairly well-to-do town called Oakville. It has beautiful, canopied tree-lined streets, friendly neighbours that smile and say Hello when you pass them and some of the worst fucking drivers on the planet. Honestly, if you’re coming out our way, be extra cautious on the roads because there’s a shitload of people who are anything but that.
They typically fall into the following 3 categories:
• the geezers
• the spoiled housewives
• and the “I have more money so the road is mine”
First of all, I think outside of a small town, Oakville has more 80 year-old drivers per capita than anywhere in Canada. You know the ones. Driving the same Buick Regal that they’ve had for 25 years because they only put a few hundred kilometers a year on it. Hunched behind the wheel barely able to see over the front dash. Wearing Coke bottle thick spectacles. And lacking the mobility to turn their heads and check their blind spots before changing lanes without signaling. Yes folks, there are geezers aplenty in Oakville and it makes for some dodgy driving. Especially in parking lots.
The other day, an old bird backed out of a spot in front of the Beer Store and didn’t even turn around to look. She just kept coming and I had to back up to avoid getting into a fender bender. I was going to honk my horn but didn’t want to risk giving the old coot a heart attack. It took her over a minute to get out of the spot – no kidding, it was half a song on my iPod.
So, here’s my suggestion: mandatory on-road testing every 3 years once you hit 75. That’s fair right? They’ve had 59 years of carefree driving. If you’ve still got it, prove it.
The next type of driver that you’ll encounter in Oakville is the spoiled housewife. First of all let me just say that I am NOT knocking housewives. It is both honourable and hard work staying home raising kids. But I’m not talking about your typical June Cleaver here. I’m talking about the ladies who lunch; the ones that would spend every day going to the club, the spa and chic restaurants for brunch while their nannies drop the kids off at school, do the shopping, clean the house and make the meals. You’ll usually find these women driving suburban tanks like Escalades, Mercedes 550 SUVs and Range Rovers. They drive with the same attention to others that the geezers do. But not because they’re incapable of doing things like checking their blind spots before changing lanes. They just don’t give a shit. Their attitude is more like, people should get out of the way for them. And this goes beyond road violations.
On Tuesday morning I drove my daughter to school and we decided to go to Tim Horton’s to grab a coffee. I parked in a spot and my daughter ran in. Then, one of these spoiled housewives drove her Land Rover up to the front door and parks, allowing her equally spoiled kid to jump out mere inches from the entrance. And she sits there idling away completely oblivious to the fact that the guy in the spot beside me is trying to pull forward but is blocked by her huge suburban assault vehicle. Eventually, she looked over – or rather down – and noticed that she was blocking his path. But do you think she moved that hulking truck? Hell no! Her precious daughter would have to walk a few extra feet to a parking space. So, when my daughter comes back with her bagel and coffee, I’m like, fuck this. I pulled forward in my Mini (I had a bit of space unlike the unlucky bugger next to me) till I was literally 6 inches from her side door. I followed that up with a friendly 'fuck you' toot on the horn. And then, hallelujah, she moved forward. But just enough so I could pass by – not to an actual parking spot though. And she looked at me like I was the one being an asshole.
I’m not really sure what to do about this bunch. I don’t think anything short of a whopping bankruptcy and downgrade to a Suzuki Firefly will change the way they drive.
Which is a nifty little segue into the next type of driver you’ll find en masse in Oakville. The “I have more money so the road is mine” group. And this may well be the largest demographic of the lot. They can be male or female. Young or old. But one thing is common. They treat everyone else on the road like they probably treat their house staff – like they’re inferior. After all they’re captains of industry. They have minions running around their offices probably wiping their asses for them. Everyone else on the road is a mere nuisance to them. In fact, we should all probably pull over to the curb for them like we do for fire trucks and ambulances.
I don’t think so! I don’t give a shit if you’re driving a Rolls Royce, Bentley or Ferrari, you’re just another schmuck on the road to me. These are the types of people who see that you’ve been waiting for a parking spot with your signal on but as soon as the car in the spot backs out, they pull in with complete disregard for the fact you’ve been waiting patiently for several minutes. These are the types of asswipes that make you jam on your brakes as you nudge ahead at a 4-way stop because they deserve to go first even if they only came to a marginal rolling stop. These are the types of dickheads that flash their lights at you to move over, even when you’re in the righthand lane on a 2-lane road doing 10 km over the speed limit. These are the fuckwads that blast their horn at you and pull right up to your bumper even when the whole goddamned world can see that you’re trying to parallel park into a spot, again, with your signal on. Yes, they’re a special breed these ones. And because Oakville is one of the more affluent communities in the country, there’s a whole shitload of them.
The cure? Again, bankruptcy and soup kitchens for you all!
So, take heed drivers of Ontario. If your travels bring you to Oakville, be alert and be prepared. Because you’re bound to run into some pretty ignorant, careless and arrogant drivers.
And that’s my brain fart for Friday, May 6, 2011.
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