BrainFarts

Toronto FC's New Owners Screw Loyal Fans

2012-02-10T16:43:00.000-08:00

This week, I’m going to talk about football. (Soccer toNorth Americans). Specifically, the new owners of Toronto FC and how they’re“repaying” the loyalty of their true fans.

In previous years, TFC tickets have gone on sale in thefollowing manner: season’s tickets to current season’s tickets holders;season’s tickets to Gold TFC Members on the waiting list; half-season packagesto Gold TFC Members; tickets on sale to the general public.

What this does is reward loyalty to TFC members – the realfans that have shown up since Day One and supported the team through thick andthin (mostly thin). It gives TFC members first choice at tickets whetherthey’re in for a full or partial season.

Let me tell you a bit about TFC Members for those thathave never been to a game at BMO Field. They are probably the most loyal sportsfans in this city. They come out game after game, rain or sleet or snow, andcheer on the team they love. They applaud the team after a loss, get behindthem when they’re down and create a raucous noise at every match. There is nostadium or arena in Toronto where the fans are so engaged in the event. Unlikegoing to a Leafs game where half the crowd is there in their Bay Street suits,clicking away on their Blackberries and being “told” by the scoreboard tickerto “Make some noise!” And let’s not even get started with The Blue Jays wherethe visiting fans from New York and Boston usually out-cheer the hometowncrowd. TFC fans are there for the love of the game and their team. There’s noon-again/off-again bandwagon. And that’s especially true for the Day Oners inthe south stands known as The Red Patch Boys who drum, chant, wave flags andstand up every minute of the match.

But back to the topic at hand.

For those who don’t know, this year, MLSE sold Toronto FCto Rogers and Bell. And big surprise, they changed the way ticket sales weresold to mirror other professional sports in Toronto. In other words, instead ofgiving TFC Members access to partial season’s tickets, they have put season’stickets on sale to the general public first.

What does this mean?

Well, to me, as a loyal TFC member and supporter, it meansthat I have to wait behind people that have never previously shown an interestin the club (or they’d be a TFC Member already). For me this will translateinto a bunch of fucking wankers (like you see at Leafs games) show up and spendmore time talking about their social lives and business interests than watchingthe game. Or not showing up at all. Which is a shame because those seats, thatare generally prime real estate, could’ve been filled by real fans like me.

What Rogers and Bell have failed to understand is thatthey cannot treat soccer fans the same way as other sports. To make peoplewho’ve supported TFC wait until they’ve filled their corporate pocket books iswoefully shortsighted. But, to be honest, I’m not surprised. Because all theytruly care about is profit, not the real fans.

And mark my words, this will come back to haunt them. TheTV cameras will have to pan across sections of stands because of empty seats.The roar of the crowd will be isolated to the true supporters’ sections.Because they view TFC as a business on a ledger, not a passion.

What’s even worse, is now that there’s an influx ofcapital, TFC will become a victim of the same corporate machine that thinksthey can spend their way to a championship. We won’t grow talent from ouracademies. We won’t have patience to nurture talent. Rogers and Bell will endup tossing money around to bring in some big names that they’ll wheel and deallike poker chips. Which isn’t how great clubs are made.

So, as far as tickets go, I’ll see what the future holdsbut I’m not optimistic that I’ll have access to the same great seats I had lastyear. Which seriously pisses me off. No doubt some fucking asswipe that doesn’tknow or truly respect the beautiful game will end up in my seats whining aboutwhy there aren’t more goals or why there isn’t more bodychecking.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 10, 2012.

Another Reason to Hate U.S. Presidential Races

2012-02-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I’m going to dip my toe into U.S. politics. Just dip,because I’m not about to get into policies and platforms. I do think though,that Obama, whatever your opinion is of him, had a horrible job trying to cleanup a country that was well on its way into the crapper, both from a foreign anddomestic policy and financial perspective. And when I look at the Republicanalternatives, all I have to say is, I hope to god that they don’t prevail. Ithink the U.S. has been more fucked up, more redneck and more imperialist whenthe GOP has been in the White House than the Democrats; but, hey, that’s justme…

Anyway, this rant touches on a very small aspect of U.S.political campaigning. And that has to do with the rah-rah music they use onthe campaign trail.

What is it about these politicians that they feel thatthey’re above the laws that they create? Specifically, copyright.

Wait a sec, I hear you saying, didn’t the U.S. just try topass the SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) – which is essentially a law designed toprotect copyright and intellectual property? Why yes. Indeed they did.

Yet during the current presidential election, there havebeen three very recent public cases where leading Republican candidates haveused music without permission of the artists in their campaigns.

Case #1: In July, Tom Petty issues a statement insistingthat Republican Candidate Michele Bachmann stop using “American Girl” as heranthem.

Case #2: On January 31, Rude Music (owned by composerFrank Sullivan) files a lawsuit against Republican Presidential hopeful NewtGingrich to cease using “Eye of the Tiger” at his rallies. But, get this: theman-with-a-ridiculous-first-name had been pillaging the song since 2009. I canjust imagine that it started off with a couple of nice “please stop it” lettersfrom Frank. And when he kept being ignored, old Frankie decided to make a verybig statement by suing the old bastard. Good for him!

Sullivan’s lawsuitalso noted Gingrich’s opposition to SOPA suggesting the law was unnecessarybecause “We have a patent office; we have copyright law. If a company finds ithas genuinely been infringed upon, it has the right to sue.”

How fuckinghypocritical is that?

Case #3: Just today, Canadian rapper K’naan issued astatement demanding that Mitt Romney (that fucking rich bigot and man with anequally ridiculous first name) stop playing “Wavin’ Flag” which he used at theFlorida Republican Primary. To go even further K’naan said that he would’vegladly let Obama use it. Uh-oh, snap Mitt!

Hmm, let’s see. What’s the common factor here? Oh, look,they’re all fucking Republicans! The Christian moral majority. What a bunch offuckwits. And to think that in the very near future, one of the most powerfulcountries in the world may have a president with the name Newt or Mitt.Seriously? President Newt? It sounds like something from that old Herculescartoon.

Imagine this:

Cuban Missile Crisis, October 1962. Message to theRussians off the coast of Cuba:

Newt Gingrich: “It’s President Newt Gingrich demandingthat the Soviet Union remove all offensive weapons from Cuba.”

Khrushchev: “(laughing under his breath) Newt? Like zasalamander? You’re not quite a frog or a fish. I crush you.”

But I digress…

This isn’t the first time the Grand Old Party has “lifted”music without permission. Hell no! Ronald Reagan was told to cease and desist using“Born in the USA” by Bruce Springsteen way back in 1984 (and 14 years later,Bruce granted Obama the use of “The Rising” as his anthem – take that GOP).George W Bush stole Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down” and Sting’s “Brand New Day” in2000 (again, ironically, Sting said he would’ve been more than happy ifDemocrat Al Gore wanted to use it). Sarah Palin borrowed Heart’s “Barracuda” in2008 and fellow running mate John McCain had to be warned of his copyrightinfringement by Jackson Browne, John Mellancamp, even Abba for god’s sake afterhe used “Take a Chance on Me” (great choice there gimpy). And one final note:Kentucky Republican Rand Paul used Rush’s “Spirit of the Radio” not just atrallies, but online ads as well. Which isn’t even lyrically relevant – he wasjust a big Rush fan. Fucking moron. All this, my friends, without consent ofthe artists.

Now, it would seem like a whole bunch of musicians reallyhate the Republicans. And I for one side with them. But, they’re not allsqueaky clean. And I’ll cite presiding President Barack Obama as being guiltyas well. Hulk Hogan got pissed at Obama for using his theme song “RealAmerican” to make his entrance at the White House’s Correspondents’ Dinner thisyear. Of course, Hulk Hogan didn’t write it. The composer had no issue. JustHulk. What a great loss losing his endorsement. In 2008, Obama also got in hotwater with Sam Moore of Sam & Dave fame for using “Hold On, I’m Coming.”Not that Sam was super pissed at Obama. He just stated that he hadn’t quitemade up his mind on how to vote.

All this though to vent my outrage at how politiciansthink they’re above the law. They can pilfer and steal. Borrow and loot. Evenbastardize songs that artists would never have intended to be used to supportany kind of political agenda. And get away with it.

I say, fuck ‘em. Take them to court and suit their sorryasses.

I know that if I want to use a song in any commercialproduction, I have to pay for it. Not only that, but artists have to give theirpermission for it to be used for commercial purposes.

In parting, I have one thought for the Republicans whoseem to like stealing music. I’m thinking that in order to reach out to theyouth in America, they might want to rewrite the title and lyrics of Naughty ByNature’s “O.P.P.” to “G.O.P.” and the chorus may go a bit like this:

Youdown with GOP (Yeah you know me)

Youdown with GOP (Gingrich or Romney)

Youdown with GOP (If you’re a rich-ie)

Who'sdown with GOP (We love corporate greed)

Youdown with GOP (Better not be gay)

Youdown with GOP (Or trying to emigrate)

Youdown with GOP (World, get outta my way)

Who's down with GOP (Or wejust might invade)

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 3, 2012.

Automatic Gratuity This...

2012-01-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

This week’s Rant is coming to you live and direct from KeyWest via Miami - and that’s where we’ll start.

So, this past week, I really got to witness what “entitlement”does to individuals.

Now, to begin, I’ve often heard from Creative Directorsthat many young talent in our business have a sense of entitlement. They don’twant to role up their sleeves, do grunt work and start at the bottom of the food chain. I’ve even heard horror stories about some juniors over the last 2-3 years who think that working ona piece of POS or collateral material is beneath them. For those not in the ad biz,let me put it this way: it’s like someone that’s been hired at Tim Horton’ssucking their teeth and giving a ton of attitude about having to clean tables.Yeah, it sucks, but it’s gotta be done. Fortunately for me, I haven’t had thatexperience. Every intern or junior that’s worked for me has worked their assesoff.

But I didn’t put pen to paper (or rather, fingers tokeyboard) to discuss advertising. This week, I saw this same sense ofentitlement displayed in the service industry. What I speak of are therestaurants and bars in Miami that include an 18% gratuity “for my convenience”on their bills.

First of all, “for my convenience”? Do they think I’m amoron that can’t calculate a tip? Even if I was, every frickin’ phone has acalculator on it nowadays. So, let’s be honest, it’s not for “my” convenience.It’s for their’s. And it should be phrased more like, “For our greed, we stuckyou with an 18% gratuity.” And here’s the other thing. Do you think they addthat 18% before or after taxes? After, of course: it means they get more money.Not just for the food and beverages - I’m now tipping the government forscrewing me with a 14% tax (or whatever the fuck it is) on the aforementionedfood and beverages.

Second, how dare they assume that their service merits an18% tip. Think about that for a moment: 18 fucking percent! On some of the tabsI saw this week, I’d half expect a happy ending with my coffee. Unbelievable!

Which brings me back around to what a guaranteed gratuitydoes to service. They don’t need to try hard. They don’t have to be polite.They don’t have to ask how your food is. They don’t have to refill your wineglass. They don’t have to clear away your plates until they damned well feellike it. They can ignore you when you raise your hand. And they can take agoddamned eternity to bring you the bill that they have to gall to shove an 18%tip up your ass.

And to me, that’s a real shock. I mean, I’ve travelledquite a bit. I’ve always had great service in the U.S. in particular. And yes,I’ve heard of places putting a 15% tip on groups 8 or larger. But almost everybill here in Miami, from pool bars to restaurants ding with a gratuity forwhich, in every case, they did not deserve.

Oh, and one more thing. In many of these cases, they“hide” the fact that they’ve automatically added the tip in mice type on themenu or bill. So, a lot of suckers end up adding an extra 15-20% on top.

Luckily for me, I like to read the small print.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, January 27, 2012.

What to do with Facebook Page Pirates

2012-01-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

I was going to his do a piece about SOPA And PIPA and theridiculous bills before U.S. Congress regarding Internet privacy laws andcensorship when another, more personal event occurred, on a somewhat relatedtopic. So, this became my subject matter instead.

And it has to do, once again, with social media and groupson Facebook. Yes, it’s not the first time I’ve broached this subject matter.

I was added to a group called Growing Up In Rexdale – now1,200 plus members strong. Yes, I did grow up in Rexdale. No, there’s no needto say “Sorry about that.”

Anyway, I was totally digging a lot of the threads on thepage. The memories it sparked, the catching up with friends, seeing oldphotographs…all quite priceless. And the dialogue from the members was, for themost part, really sincere and quite hilarious at times. Great banter.

But then, it happened. Some guy, Matt Bradshaw, threw downthe following thread: rexdale sucked, sorry kids! and all hell broke loose.People totally lost their shit about it. I simply asked the guy why he’d join agroup to post that. No response. Within hours there were over a hundredcomments from “offended Rexdalians.” A day later, there were over 200. Peoplewere tossing daggers at this guy. So, what does he do? Naturally, he keepsgoing and starts making random comments about “rubber dolls and masturbation.”I could just tell, this guy was having the time of his life stirring up shit.

Now, if you had a child and they started throwing a tempertantrum and acting up, what would you do? Scream and yell back at them. Or turnthe other cheek and ignore the bad behaviour until they realize that it isn’tgetting what they really want – attention?

What did several members of this group do?

One person decided to hold a survey on the page and askpeople to Like her post if they wanted Matt to be allowed to stay or Commentand say No if they wanted him evicted from the group. There were 29 comments –6 of which were from Matt himself asking if both he and his rubber doll weregoing to be hung? I thought it was pretty funny.

Other people in the group were demanding that the Adminban him from the Group. It really got out of hand to be honest.

The result: the Admin caved to a very small minority ofthe group and had him removed.

Which brings into question: what’s the best way to handlethis type of intrusion on a Facebook page?

The reaction to Matt’s post(s) was strong. And I thinkthat if you’re a brand on Facebook, these would be your true brand ambassadorsrallying around you. But is it right to ban people altogether, especially fromsocial groups? That is the question.

To me, I’d say no. It amounts to censorship. Everyone isentitled to an opinion and if you don’t agree with it, it’s your right to air arebuttal. Or, as was the case with my child tantrum example, ignore the fuckingmoron. But to remove someone just because they post a contrary view to what theprevailing attitude is or throw down a few likely drunken lewd comments seems knee-jerk.They didn’t even give him a chance to redeem himself. And what’s offensive tosome isn’t offensive to all.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy seemed like he definitely hada few loose screws. But his complete lack of couth, abundance of spellingmistakes and general uneducated self made him good food for comedy fodder tome. Who knows, this blog post might even get me banned.

I’ve community-managed a few Facebook pages for my clientsand I would never remove people from posting negative comments. Spam (Work fromHome Now), yes? But other than that, let the chips fall where they may.

And that’s my brain fartfor Friday, January 20, 2012.

Abandon Aeroplan

2012-01-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

Excuse me if I'm a bit rusty (it's been a while) but the Friday Night Rant is back.

This week, I’d like to talk about the infamous Aeroplanrewards plan. Rewards? That’s funny. After dealing with them for the past week,I can tell you that I didn’t feel very rewarded at all.

It all started a year ago, when I booked a flight for mywife to join me in LA. They gouged me for 160,000 points at the time because Ididn’t book far enough in advance and the allotted number of seats at the lowerpoint level had already “sold out.” Now, to put this in perspective, accordingto their website, a round-trip flight to LAX is usually 48,000 points. So, theyreally screwed me over on the booking. And it wasn’t even business class.

But whatever. I had over 400,000 points. So, I booked it.

As it turned out, my wife was unable to join me. So, Icalled Aeroplan to cancel and asked them to credit the miles back to myaccount. However, because I hadn’t cancelled 22 days in advance of the flight,they told me that it couldn’t be done. I even offered to have less pointscredited back and forfeit some as a “restocking fee.” They said that wasimpossible but I would have the ticket for up to one year to use. Ok, Ithought, I should be able to use that.

So, about 7 months later I decided to call Aeroplan andsee if I use that ticket for a flight to Nicaragua – my nephew is part owner ofa surfing lodge there (OK – shameless plug here: surfingturtlelodge.com). But Iwas told that the ticket had to be used by Brenda and only Brenda. Wait a tick.I booked the flight on my plan using my points but I can’t use the miles? wtf?Nope, “check the fine print” I was told. And sure enough, it stated that theticket was non-transferrable. Really? What difference does it make who travelson these points? A seat is a seat. A ticket is a ticket.

But wait. It gets better.

This week, I called Aeroplan back to use the ticketbecause it was approaching the one-year deadline. My wife and I decided to goto Montreal for a little break and spend some time with good friends.

I knewgoing into this call that a flight to Montreal was only 15,000 points. So, Ithought I’d make a plea to get a companion ticket with the 145,000 points stillleft on the docket. Not possible I was told. Hmm, ok. Let me try anothertactic. What about redeeming some of those leftover points for a hotel? I knowyou can use points for that. Again, I was told that the points I had could onlybe used for air travel and nothing else.

Out of interest, I checked what it would cost for me tofly return from Montreal at the same time. Round trip, it was $188 (plustaxes). I quoted the airfare to him. And I said the following:

“So, as you can see from my travel history, I’m a veryfrequent flyer with Air Canada. I’m essentially losing 145,000 points. And you’retelling me that there’s absolutely nothing you can do. No points back. Nocompanion fare. No hotel reward. Are you willing to lose a customer that spendsover $20,000 a year with Air Canada for the sake of what amounts to a $188 airfare?”

His reply: “I’m sorry sir. That is Air Canada’s policy.”

Ok, I know the counter-argument. The points don’t costanything. It’s still a free flight. While that may be true, if a companylaunches a “loyalty” plan, it is to create exactly that: loyalty. And when you screwyour customers over with technicalities when it is well within your means tosatisfy a customer, you don’t create loyalty. You create the opposite.

So, I’ve made a decision to leave my Aeroplan Gold Visa inmy wallet and use my Avion card instead. I will start taking Westjet instead ofAir Canada. And I will transfer what’s remaining of my Aeroplan points intoAvion points.

And do you think Air Canada and Aeroplan will care? Hellno.

But at least I get the satisfaction of getting out of acrappy “rewards” program. And I encourage everyone to do the same.

And that’s my brain fartfor Friday, January 13, 2012.

Jobs & Elections - One good, One bad

2011-10-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, this week’s rant takes the shape of one partcondemnation, one part reverence.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving weekend, let’s startwith the reverence.

Steve Jobs, this generation’s most gifted technicalvisionary died on Wednesday from cancer. There are countless articles andhomages in both print and video to this great man. Far too many to note. So Iwon’t.

However, I would like to offer my personal perspective onSteve. Obviously, I never met the man. I’ve watched his speeches, seen videos ofhim on stage introducing product after product that blew my mind and I readInside Steve’s Brain. He was amazing man on so many levels. But I think whatreally touched me is how much a part of what he accomplished (yes, with thehelp of a great many other technicians and designers) has become intrinsic tomy life. It dawned on me that almost every minute of my day is spentinteracting with technology that he brought to market. From the computer I workand compose music on, to the phone I use, to the device I listen to music on.All Mac. All a part of Steve Jobs’ genius. Then I thought about all those hoursI spent cuddled up with my kids watching magical Pixar movies like Toy Storyand Finding Nemo. Yet another way that Steve Jobs touched my life. Look - the manwasn’t a god. He was a brilliant mind and a master marketer. But the way hehumanized technology was unique. And his outlook on life was equally asinspiring.

For anyone that hasn't seen his Stanford Address yet, hereyou go:

To lose a man like this so young to a horrible disease(one that has personally impacted my life) reminded me of the preciousness oflife – one that Steve Jobs was acutely aware of. I believe Steve Jobs madethe world a better place. And I for one will miss his presence. I feel a loss.

Just to close out this topic, I’d like to draw yourattention to one article in particular I picked up from a Gawker tweet thatsimply made my stomach turn. True, everyone is entitled to their own opinion ofboth the man and his legacy. But I find this article simply deplorable and inhorribly bad taste.

http://gawker.com/5847338/steve-jobs-was-not-god

Who the hell are they to question why and how people mournthe death of anyone, Steve Jobs or otherwise. Gawker – fuck off!

Ok, now onto the Rant of the week. And it’s concerningthe Ontario Provincial Election yesterday. The fact that Dalton McGuinty gotre-elected (minority or not) is a travesty. Here’s a guy that stood up in frontof the electorate 4 years ago and made all kinds of promises about not raisingtaxes that, within mere months of getting elected, he started breaking. Througheverything from introducing healthcare surtaxes and imposing an eco tax (whichhe later had to revoke) to most recently, piling on the HST which added taxes tosome of the most basic things like hydro. Then there was the e-Health scandalthat forked out billions of dollars to consultants and other corporate fat catsfor what has amounted to basically nothing. And the Smart Meter program thatbasically forces working families to spend their evenings doing laundry insteadof spending time with each other. Dalton McGuilty is a fucking liar and asneaky bastard. Full stop. And the fact that Ontarians have basically rewardedhim for it by electing him back into office is, in my eyes, simplyunbelievable.

Another thing that pissed me off about the entire electionwas the number of unions advocating for the Liberals. From the ETFO, whose“Vote Against Kids” campaign I absolutely despised, to the Working Familiescoalition, it seems they were all propping up the Liberal government. This shithas got to stop. As far as I’m concerned, the only ones that should beadvertising their policies and platforms are the political parties. It juststinks of patronage and backroom deals (or these unions will be jockeying forsome kind of preferential treatment in the future) for helping put McGuilty’sLiberals back into power.

I know many may say, it’s not like we had another option.That’s bullshit and a cop out. People weren’t brave enough to cast their votefor policies, not politicians. Otherwise we would have an NDP or Greengovernment. And as much as I think Tim Hudak was not the best leader for thePC, in my opinion, he was still a better choice than McGuilty.

What’s even more infuriating is that voter turnout was atan all-time low. Only 48% of registered voters came out. That means more peoplechose not to perform their democratic duty than those who did. And that, myfriends, is fucking appalling. Tell you what – all the 52% who chose not tovote, why don’t you all piss off to North Korea or China because you clearlydon’t care about participating in a democracy. Furthermore, the next time Ihear someone bitching about Dalton McGuinty or any Ontario government policies,I will ask them one simple question: Did you vote? If their answer is No, myreply will be just as simple: Then shut the fuck up!

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, October 7, 2011.

Send Quality Meat Packers Packing

2011-09-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

So, this week’s rant has been brewing for a couple of weeks (probably a lot longer actually) but only really came to a head when I was driving into work and saw a couple of protestors from Toronto Pig Save on the corner of Lakeshore and Strachan. They were holding placards decrying the slaughter of pigs.

I don’t eat pork or red meat. But for me, the morality of the issue is a moot point. If you want to eat pork, knock yourself out. Stuff your face with a dozen of those bacon-covered doughnuts for all I care. I’m abstaining to eat healthier – simple as that. And to Toronto Pig Save: good for you. As citizens of a free country, you have every right to make your views known and condemn swine slaughter if you so choose.

My bigger beef (pardon the almost meat-correct pun) is where the processing takes place. In downtown Toronto at 2 Tecumseh, basically a stone’s throw from the heart of the city. A city that is trying to establish more urban retreats and communities like Liberty Village. A city that is trying its best to accommodate the influx of people who want to live downtown instead of the burbs.

First, there’s the simple aspect of transportation. The pigs sure as hell aren’t raised in the city. They come from all kinds of places like Burgessville and Milldale. Think about it, huge rigs filled with pigs, dozens of them every day clogging up our main thoroughfares into the city. And god forbid if you get stuck behind or even half a kilometer away from one of those transport trailers – they smell like shit and death. Besides, there have been numerous cases where these trucks have been involved in major accidents – pigs were either killed during the collision or had to be put down at the side of the road which I find detestable. Check out this picture from the National Post, almost a year ago.

The second big problem is the fucking smell. The odour that is emitted by Quality Meat Packers is sickly, putrid, disgusting and as many other like-minded adjectives you could come up with. You simply cannot go down to King Street West and sit on a patio if the wind is blowing from the southeast. You’d lose your lunch. I really feel bad for the people that buy townhomes or condos in Liberty Village. How the fuck do you live there? And it’s not just Liberty Village. It’s pretty much all of Parkdale and on the flipside as well towards Portland. If you’ve never personally experienced it, consider yourself lucky. It’s truly horrible!

Finally, you can’t tell me that there isn’t some kind of ecological impact of having a meat processing plant in the downtown corridor. I’m convinced that soil samples taken from around the plant would reveal some pretty interesting biohazards leaking from the abbatoir. Or the air quality from incinerating the pigs’ remains. There’s gotta be some funky shit coming out of that place.

I could give a flying fuck if Quality Meat Packers has been located in Toronto for 125 years. The city looked one helluvalot different and far less populated back then too. So, that argument to me doesn’t hold water. It’s time that Toronto City Council either bought or expropriated the land and told Quality Meat Packers to pack their bags and get the fuck outta town.

But that’s just my opinion. I only work in Toronto. I don’t live there.

So, here’s an article from the local community newspaper that looks at both sides of the debate. Decide for yourself:

http://tinyurl.com/6zbfh6b

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, September 23, 2011.

Tasco Sucks-o

2011-09-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

This Friday Night Rant is geared towards a certain appliance store that positions itself as a retailer of high-end products. High-end service, however, doesn't match the price tag.

We decided to renovate our kitchen a few months ago and found a contractor that would be able to start the job in August. So, wanting to get ahead of the game, we went shopping for new appliances - the whole frickin' shooting match: fridge, stove, range hood, dishwasher, wine fridge...in June. Order placed, June 13.

Not, let it be said, the sales staff at Tasco practice very sound sales techniques. They do not hassle the customers and follow them up and down the aisles like a stalker - like the Brick, Bad Boy, etc... Rather they let you browse and as soon as they detect a level of interest, they will cautiously approach. I like that myself. No hard sell. It all got off on the right foot. We dropped a pretty penny in the store that day, got a few great deals and we were happy. The one thing I requested of the salesman was to follow up with the specs on the appliances so my contractors could plan the cabinets around them. "No problem sir. I will email them to you first thing on Monday morning." Well, Monday rolled around and, well, needless to say, the specs didn't turn up in my inbox. Instead, I had to go to each appliance website and download the specs to send to my contractor. Strike one.

Fast forward 2 months to when my kitchen contractors are already well into the renovation. I get a phone call a day before my appliances are supposed to be delivered and learn that my stove is back-ordered - it's somewhere on a boat between Italy and Montreal and will be delayed for another 3 weeks. What kind of a company has such stellar relationships with its key suppliers (of high end appliances) that they find out, 2 months after the initial order was placed, that the stove was not going to be delivered on time? Tasco, that's who. So, now my kitchen reno is on a holding pattern until the stove arrives. Strike 2.

Now, you'd think that when I called to bitch about this oversight and comment that at no point over those 2 months did anyone from Tasco call to inform of the aforementioned delay, that they would've offered some kind of compensation. Yes, you'd think. And they did - to comp the gasline hook up. OK, I thought. That's something positive. Until they informed me that it only included plugging in the stove to a pre-existing gas outlet. And it would cost extra to run the gasline from the source. Another $400. Which, based on all the fuck ups, you'd think they would've covered - gratis. But, no.

So, my kitchen guys did the cabinets and got everything done except the final tweaking of where the stove would go. And then I got more interesting news from my contractors: the duct cover (a stainless steel sleeve that covers the raw ductwork) was the wrong size. It was for a 9-12 foot ceiling. I have an 8 foot ceiling. So, I go back to my original bill and look up the "size" of the duct cover on the bill. And it's listed as 9-12 inches. Not feet. So, how the fuck was I supposed to know what those measurements meant? Did the salesman ask me how high my ceiling was when I ordered this duct cover? Nope. Strike 3.

To make matters worse, I just had a call today telling me that the duct cover is back-ordered until the end of October. Another strike. You're out Tasco. Out of my books of ever doing business with again.

So, let this be a lesson to any and all appliance shoppers out there. Don't believe the hype about the "best places" to go. Shop around. Ask a lot of questions. And question them on their contingency plans for when (not if) things get fucked up.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, September 16, 2011.

My thoughts on 9/11 A Decade Later

2011-09-09T16:31:00.001-07:00

Warning:

To those who expect my usual satirical and humourous take on life, tonight’s Rant may disappoint.

It was 10 years ago this Sunday that a truly horrific event took place. Of course, I’m speaking of 9/11.

I, like you I’m sure, remember exactly where I was that day. I was working at Publicis and as soon as I heard what was going on, I dashed across the road to a small diner on Queen Street just after the first plane hit. I watched live as the second one flew into the other tower. And subsequently, as they both collapsed. It seemed so surreal. Like I was watching a movie. Yet, the reality was overwhelming. Panic ensued. There were rumours that Toronto may also be a target. So, I got the hell out of downtown Toronto and the shadow of the CN Tower as quickly as I could.

I had friends that knew people who worked in one of the towers. I knew others that lived in lower Manhattan. And at the time, all I could think was, are they okay? And who the fuck was responsible for this unthinkable destruction?

And therein lies the big problem.

Does it really fucking matter?

There are conspiracy theorists that insist that the way the towers went down indicates a pre-planned detonation pulled off by the CIA. Why? Because America needed the country’s passion to start a war that they’d already been planning for in Iraq.

Many American citizens, particularly good ‘ol US patriots, insist that it happened because Muslim extremists oppose America’s democratic ideals and freedom.

And others resigned themselves to the more likely, but harder to face, reality: that US foreign policy, particularly their support of Israel and Saudi Arabia and their “World Cop” role in the Middle East flamed the fire of hatred and, in turn, the US brought it on themselves.

Regardless, it was a tragic loss of life. Thousands of innocent people died on September 11, 2001. And that is the sad reality. That’s what is so absolutely horrific about what happened on 9/11.

For me – and now, it’s time to get controversial - the root cause of all of this hate, vengeance and war is religion. And those who don’t think so are either naïve or just don’t want to admit it.

You have the US who fundamentally believes they are righting all the wrongs in the world and introducing these “heathen societies” to democracy “in god’s name.” That, of course, being their Christian god.

Then you have extremist Muslims (and note: I do say extremists) that fundamentally believe the opposite. That modern democratic society is far too corrupt and has lost its way in Allah’s eyes. And further, that the state of Israel has committed genocide of their people and robbed them of their motherland.

And finally, you have Israel that continue to vigilantly and aggressively protect the borders because the land they took back and occupy was bestowed upon them by their God.

What a fucking mess!

What’s that? I can hear it now…that’s not my religion. I don’t believe or support that. But the fact of the matter is, opposing visions of religion has been the cause of hatred and wars since history was recorded. It has led to horrible, horrible acts done en masse in “the name of god.” Crusades. Inquisitions. Ethnic cleansings. Etc…

Look, if you have faith; if you need to believe in something…that’s fine by me. More power to you. But it’s time people live and let live. Respect how other societies go about their lives even if it isn’t in line with the way you think. Eventually…and a lot of the movements in the Middle East over the last year are proof of this…people in these societies will find their equilibrium or breaking point. And change will come. Or not.

I, for one, think John Lennon had it right: “Imagine no religion…”

I sincerely hope there is never another 9/11. No matter who orchestrated it, it created a chain effect of unfortunate affairs where no one is better off for it. It created a culture of fear where Americans have been under
an amber alert” for years. And now, it’s fueling the fires of renewed paranoia that a significant terrorist attack is going to happen this weekend in NYC and Washington. Let’s hope it doesn’t.

In memory of lives lost on 9/11, I encourage you to watch this incredible link, not about conspiracy theory or terrorists, but simply the human toll of what happened 10 years ago, courtesy of The Guardian UK:

http://tinyurl.com/3kndyuh

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, September 9, 2011.

Stop Cutting My Summer Short

2011-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

So this week's rant must tread on very delicate grounds. For professional reasons, I will forgive the sins of retailers, some of which I work on.

But, from a completely personal point of view, I have but one thing to say: please, I implore you, let me enjoy my summers the way I used to when I was a kid.

When I was young, summers seemed endless. The toll of the school bell in September was always something that lingered forever on the horizon. And the realization that we had to go back to school only sunk in when we found ourselves sitting in the hydro field with the entire neighbourhood gathered around for a blistering fireworks displays on Labour Day weekend.

In the summer, I didn't watch TV. I was too busy playing SPUD or Hide 'n' Seek until the streetlights came on. And then, it was in the bath and to bed.

Those were the days. And it was all so poetic. The world seemed right. Youth was revered and given every minute of the summer for first kisses, truth or dare, skateboarding and cut knees...pure innocence.

But here we are in 2011, barely the first week of August, and we are being bombarded with the "buy, buy, buy" message of back to school. A full month-plus of when the actual event takes place.

Look, I'm all for getting a jump start on things - I'm a "planning" type of guy. But I really don't want to think about back to school and all that it represents at this stage. After all, it's still summer right? We should be focused on making sandcastles, staying up late and watching meteor showers and singing songs by campfires. Not worrying about whether we'll have enough sheets to fill the binders we may or may not have purchased.

It has become the curse of marketing to be "first" to put a message out there. Beat the competition. But at what cost? Increasing the stress on already stressed-out families?

Here's an idea. Instead of spending millions of dollars on back-to-school TV ads a month ahead of schedule, try re-allocating that money into things that will really endear people to your brand. Sponsor pop-up movie nights in parks to give families a chance to bond before everyone gets "back down to business." Give me something nostalgic with my purchase like a burning school house. Whatever...But just stop hawking your wares without due consideration of the emotional needs of your audience.

It's not "the most wonderful time of the year." Far fucking from it. It's hard watching your kids go off to school for the first time. It's a burden hoping that they'll get the grades they need to get into the university of their choice. I, for one, hate back to school. It is ultimately the time when everyone goes their separate ways, each one with their own goals and aspirations. It is a time of parting as a family unit and the summer wanes...

The last sunset. Pink sky. Solitude. And then, chaos.

Let's hope that some retailer will figure this out. It is a huge emotional time for so many people and no one is even close to fulfilling that role. What a missed opportunity.

And that's my brain fart for August 12, 2011.

When highschool doesn't grow up

2011-08-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

This week is a mini trip down memory lane. It concerns a highschool reunion that’s happening next September. My alma mater, North Albion Collegiate Institute. In 2012, NACI will celebrate its 50^th anniversary.

Now, I’m not too sure how I feel about highschool reunions. To be honest, the people that I cared to stay in contact with, I still hang out with. Some are my best friends.

But there is something intriguing about the possibility of getting together with people you haven’t seen for 30 years and see what they’ve been doing with their lives. And ooooh, what about seeing the celebs that went to NACI – Bruce MacDonald, Dean McDermott (I wonder if he’d bring Tori and her fake jubblies). Then again, there are others that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. In fact, I’d prefer not to even see at all.

Anyway, on Facebook there has been a Group set up to try and reconnect people and spread the news. I was “friended” by some people that I didn’t even remember. Hell, I’m not even sure they went to school at the same time I did. But, for old time’s sake, I accepted their requests. All of a sudden, it seemed everything I posted was being Liked or commented on. It kind of weirded me out a bit to be honest. But, again, for old time’s sake…

Which brings me to the NACI Turns 50 in 2012 Group page.

First of all, let me just say that I give full marks to the Admins who set up the Group and are doing a bang up job of hunting people down and reuniting fellow CaNACIans. Bravo! Really. It can’t be an easy job and all the hard work they’re doing to organize the reunion, form committees, yadda-yadda-yadda is noteworthy and honourable. I’ve even found some of the discussions on the page to be quite engaging and fun.

But I do have a bone to pick (surprise-surprise).

When you choose to use a social media forum like Facebook, you need to be prepared for whatever people are going to say, like it or not. The Admins have gone so far as to create a “Netiquette” document as a gentle reminder to mind one’s p’s and q’s. And there seems to be daily postings asking people to watch what they say because “this is an open group.” Hello? It’s Facebook. If you are looking to manage behaviour and commentary, you’ve chosen the wrong platform.

I went as far, out of my own goodwill to create a logo and series of posters to advertise the reunion. (Using my trademark sarcasm and black humour naturally). I posted them on the page. It seemed the Admins felt the need to make a “cheery rebuttal” to every poster I put up – which is fine, they’re entitled to – it’s Facebook. But I even had one of them send me a private message telling me that I may be offending some people. Don’t get me wrong, she also said that she genuinely appreciated the effort, but I did get the feeling that she was, in a way, asking me to tone it down and be a bit more considerate of other’s feelings.

Case in point, one poster I created took a bit of a dig at Rexdale, once a suburban paradise, now one of the more crime-ridden, intimidating places to go in the GTA. It’s a fact! And the poster, I thought, was pretty damned funny. But I’m figuring this was the one that some people may have taken offence to. C’mon people. I don’t give a shit whether you still live in Rexdale or not. It’s a fucking joke – lighten up! Besides it’s not like it’s untrue. Rexdale is quite a shithole now. I lived there for over 20 years and witnessed its downfall. So, don’t kid yourself folks.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, I don’t want to have to filter my thoughts or words. That’s why I write this damned blog. I don’t need to be reminded that what I say is “out in the public forum.”

I’d like to offer a final few words of advice for the Admins of the NACI Turns 50 in 2012 Group. This is a Group page. Postings by the Admins should be stimulating conversations of a nostalgic nature, “where are they now,” “has anyone seen X” (which many of them have been) and keeping people updated on the reunion itself. I didn’t sign on as a member of this Group to have the Admins constantly remind me about my social graces and promoting their own personal beliefs (be kind, watch what you say, don’t stereotype…). This is what you have your own Personal Facebook accounts for. And so, I made my last post and left and will only check back periodically for updates on the reunion. If I even bother going at all now.

Because I think there might be a couple of people a little pissed off with me after this. Oh well. That’s life.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, August 5, 2011.

Shut Up About The Weather

2011-07-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems the most fitting topic to talk about this week is the one that’s been dominating the news and my Facebook newsfeed (and no doubt yours too). No, it’s not that the UN has officially declared Somalia a famine disaster. Or British Parliament trying to get to the bottom of the News of the World hacking scandal. It’s the weather. That’s right, something we can do absolutely fuck all about.

From what I’ve seen, there seems to be 3 types of positions on this “official” heatwave. Those who hate it, those who love it and those who “love summer, but this is just too hot.”

The most confusing of this bunch to me is the latter group. I don’t really understand them at all. If you “love” summer, then logically it must follow that you love hot weather. It goes hand in hand. Summer = hot weather. Always has. Always will. Oh, but boohoo, you’re finding this just a little too steamy for your liking. Suck it up. Stay inside in the air conditioning. And stop parading around like you “love” summer when really you’re really just a summer poser. I have an even better idea. Pack your bags and move to somewhere like San Diego where the temperature is pretty much a steady 70 degrees year round.

Then there’s the people who truly hate this weather. I can guaran-fucking-tee you that these are the exact same folks that whine and bitch incessantly about the wind chills in the middle of January or the storms we typically get in February that dump a foot of snow in 24 hours. To this group, I have but one thing to say, “Shut the hell up!” Seriously, we live in a country of extremes. We get -35 and +35. That’s just the way it is. Like it or leave it. Maybe you can also jump on that plane with the above lot and piss off to San Diego as well.

Of course, the offshoot to the above group (and I would sincerely hope, a very small minority) is those that generally don’t like summer at all and would prefer winter year round. I have two words for you: Arctic Circle.

Then, there’s the last group, the one I fall into. And based on a status update I made on Facebook this week that was positively responded to (for the most part), I’m not alone. For me, summer is all about being outside with as few clothes on as possible (sometimes none at all), an icy cold beverage by my side and good friends hanging out late into the evening. As a whole, people are more social and happier. It’s like we come out of our proverbial shells of heavy jackets and woolly sweaters in the summer. We glow.

Perhaps what I find really confusing is that we pay thousands of dollars to go away in the winter to Mexico or Jamaica or wherever for almost exactly the same weather we’re experiencing right now – hot, sticky, warm trade winds… So, we do we have such a hard time on our own soil when a heatwave hits? Especially after that piece of shit June we had with sogged-out weekends and cool temperatures.

So, you won’t hear me complaining about the heat. Not a peep. And I suggest you all do the same. Please and thank you.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, July 22, 2011.

Rob Ford is a Knob

2011-07-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

The perfect expletive to lead off this week’s rant. Not just because of the subject matter of ill-synchronized road construction in Toronto, but because I heard it emanating from dozens of cars over the past week.

To set the scene, we live in a city of almost 3 million people (that’s not including the GTA), our transit system consists of two subway lines, streetcars and buses. For a city the size of Toronto, there is no stating how absolutely pathetic our subway is. It’s ridiculous. So, there’s already a ton of vehicular traffic on the streets including those lumbering streetcars that break down on a regular basis and cause all kinds of ungodly delays.

Let’s toss into this cesspool, probably 1 million commuters that drive into Toronto to work (myself being amongst them) and you have congested traffic at the best of times.

But add to this mess the political stupidity of Mayor Rob Ford and his carnival of morons and you have a true recipe for disaster.

Classic example: right now three of Toronto’s major thoroughfares are under construction. To begin with, let’s take the intersection of Front and Bay. Both north/southbound on Bay and east/westbound on Front Street from Church to York are ripped up and closed down to a single lane. This is typically a route that cars spill off the Gardiner Expressway hoping to get up into the city. Then, merely one block north and a few blocks west, the entire intersection of King and Bathurst is closed down. So, another north/southbound and east/westbound pathway closed off. But wait there’s more. On Dundas, a mere 3 blocks north of King and slightly further west, they’re digging up and replacing all the streetcar tracks.

I mean seriously, who is the fucking genius at City Hall that approves simultaneous major roadwork projects? Couldn’t they simply stagger them so that the city doesn’t become a gridlock nightmare? I mean, do these jackasses who award these contracts even speak to one another? It’s not that complicated guys. And as far as I can tell, all contracts are tendered through the Public Works Department. So, what gives? Oh wait, I know – you don’t give a shit about the average Joe that has to sit on Portland trying to get down to King Street for 45 fucking minutes because half the southbound routes are shut down.

Look, it’s not that we can only do roadwork in the summer months nowadays either. I’ve seen repairs happening year round. Space them out for god’s sake.

But hold on, it gets even better. While the roads are in utter disarray, the fat fucking bastard of a Mayor, Rob “Gravyboat” Ford decides to close down bike lanes on Jarvis street. Wow, that’s smart. Let’s punish those people who decide to do a better thing for our city by making them fight with the traffic they’re trying to evade.

So, because Rob Ford is such as asswipe, I’m going to lay all this crap at this doorstep. He is, after all, the head of the city and has to sign these things at some point. Maybe he gets too much grease from all those cheeseburgers on the contracts and they become illegible? Whatever the reason, I blame Rob Ford.

But don’t even get me started on him and everything he’s done so far to fuck up Toronto - the grants he’s turned down for things like for HIV/AIDs education, the cuts to services he plans on jamming through council, his bloated election budget that he still hasn’t fully come clean about, etc… That’s a whole other rant. Which, as I posted in previous posts, makes me damn happy not to live in Toronto under this oaf’s rule.

Anyway, that’s my brain fart for Friday, July 15, 2011.

P.S. – on a brighter, happier note, a very happy birthday to my beautiful wife Brenda

Road Paint Piss-Off

2011-06-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

This week's rant is directed at Woodbine Markings, who are the people contracted to spray paint lines on roads in Oakville. I'm sure most of you already know where this is going. But I assure you, it's still worth the read.

So, I'm driving home the other night - it was late. And waaaaaay up in front of me is the painting crew slowly going down the road. I decided to avoid them and turned onto another street where I had to make a lefthand turn and cross over the yellow paint in the middle of the road. Little did I know, however, that they had previously just painted that stretch of road as well. And this is what happened:

Yep, that's my beloved mini, fucking covered with yellow paint that sprayed up off the road. And the shit was thick too. The most unfortunate part is that it was pitch black outside and I didn't even notice it till the next morning when it had completely dried.

So, I contacted the Oakville Road Services department and guess what, they got back to me almost immediately. Wow, I thought. This is turning out well so far. Then, it all went bad. They forwarded my email onto the company they contract (the aforementioned Woodbine Markings) and they sent me a lovely form letter advising me that it was my fault because I shouldn't have passed the road crew. Well, guess what dipshits? I didn't pass them. I simply took another route and I can guaran-fucking-tee you that the paint does not dry in "3 minutes" as they claim because they were a mile up the road and at a 12 km/h pace (which is the speed they claim they travel at), the street I drove on would've been painted 30 minutes beforehand.

Needless to say, they claim they are not liable in any way. And now I'm stuck with a $300 auto detailing bill.

Am I done with these asswipes? Hell no. So stay tuned for Chapter 2.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, June 17, 2011.

Summer Landmines

2011-06-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

This week, the weather shot up in Toronto and so did my intolerance for some of the most annoying things that people do (or sometimes don’t do) in the city. And it all has to do with the “underfoot” factor.

What is this exactly?

It’s about bad habits that don’t really become a true piss off until the warmer weather arrives. People that throw crap (or rather leave it) on the ground as urban landmines for the rest of us.

#1 – dog shit. For fuck’s sake, pick up your dog’s ass renderings. It’s bad enough on the grass in the park but if you live downtown and your dog decides to squat and drop a load on the sidewalk, pick it the fuck up. In the winter when it freezes almost immediately or gets buried beneath a bunch of snow - it’s not acceptable, but it’s at least it’s minus 20 and innocuous. However, in the summer, not only does it reek to high heaven, it turns into waste that has the half-life of selenium. And it spreads exponentially as the heat increases. In other words, even when one person has stepped in the shit, it goes on like skid marks for yards, each little turd burger awaiting some other unlucky bugger to step in it. And for god’s sake, it’s sandal weather. If you step in German Sheppard crap, you’ll likely be picking it out from under your toenails

#2 – gum. Here’s where the Malaysians have it right. Sure, it may be an oppressive society, but they banned gum chewing in public in 1992 for many of the same reasons that I find it detestable – the way people dispose of their cud. (As an aside, Malaysia also has a law for the “mandatory flushing of public toilets” which I also applaud). Anyway, there’s nothing worse than walking down the street and seconds later, realizing that you’re tethered to the pavement by a large wad of gum. Again, in the winter, not such a big deal. But in the summer it’s like tar. And you spend the rest of the day scraping your foot on any surface possible – pavement, carpet, whatever… - just to rid yourself of this public nuisance

The worst part about the above is that nowadays, with people looking at their cell phones or iPods, the likelihood of incurring a summer land mine disaster has increased dramatically. So please people, do us pedestrians a favour. Have some consideration for others who walk the same streets that you, or you and your dog, do. And get rid of your shit, figuratively and literally properly.

Thank you.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, June 10, 2011.

Be A Planker

2011-05-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

This week, I’d like to comment on a phenomenon that’s been going on for some time but only really making it into the news over the past week. And that is: planking.

For those not familiar with planking, it’s rather simple. You simply find interesting places to lie stiff as a board and photograph it for posterity. And nowadays with social networks connecting people around the world, it’s become a viral source of amusement. For me, anyway.

Just check out some of these hilarious “planks.”

On Facebook alone, there’s over 200,000 people who Like planking. Australia even has its own “Official Planking Page” (crazy fucking Auzzies). In fact, here’s a link to an Australian news report that shows just how prolific planking has become there – they covered it as a top story on the evening news:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHnTFesv7c

Anyway, what I love about planking is that anyone can do it. It takes imagination and creativity to do a good plank and people from all around the world are jumping on the bandwagon and having fun with it.

But, like any fun thing, there are always a few people who spoil it for everyone else. Take Acton Beale of Brisbane Australia for example. Last Sunday, this young chap died after attempting to plank on a 5 cm wide balcony railing. Silly bastard. And now, the police there are cracking down on people planking on public property. In fact, they arrested a guy for attempting to plank on an unattended police car. Which is a knee jerk reaction to one idiot who took planking too far. I’m anticipating that this craze will continue to get more “regulated” and “outlawed” because, as I said, there are always some people who take it too far. People with huge fucking egos that want to show off how “brave” or “cool” they are. And when this happens, it ultimately ends up with someone getting hurt. Or, worse yet killed.

I know there is likely a whole bunch of people who think planking is some stupid, juvenile activity. It’s ridiculous. And yes, that’s the point. It is ridiculous. But you know what, I’d rather see people from all around the world engaging and sharing a universal experience as silly as planking than arguing about the things that make us different – like religion, ethnicity or culture. Because it doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, black or white, Catholic or Muslim, straight or gay – anyone and everyone can plank.

So, plank on I say! Be creative. Have fun. Share your plank. Just don’t be a stupid ass and get yourself killed.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, May 20, 2011.

Spring stinks

2011-05-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

This week I was in Montreal and the moment I stepped out of the airport, it struck me…that undeniable smell of spring. It was a mix of airplane fuel and shit.

Then when I got back to Toronto, I’m driving back from the airport and again…(sniff, sniff)…shit.

Then I get home and look at a headline on the front page of the Toronto Star about what “stinks in the city.” Again, shit.

What’s up with that?

I suppose it’s spring and every frickin’ farmer simultaneously decides to fertilize their fields at the same time. Throw in a strong wind and, well, you get the undeniable smell of shit.

But, as bad as it is, there’s something about this time of year that takes me back to my childhood. I was in elementary school and we were asked to write a short story about spring. Everyone in my class went immediately to budding trees, blooming flowers, warmer weather, playing outside again, etc… Instead, I chose to write about muck, the “magic appearance” of dog poo that you couldn’t see underneath the snow and that horrible stink that almost made me sick. No shit (pun intended). I still remember my teacher telling me that I had a very “unique view” of spring.

And so it goes. Decades later, I’m transported to my formative junior years every spring. Not because of the bouquet of spring flowers. Not because of the sounds of little kids outdoors playing cops & robbers until the streetlights come on. Not because of the sight of budding trees and freshly-cut grass. But because of that wonderful smell of stanky mud and…shit.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, May 13, 2011.

Beware of Oakville drivers

2011-05-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

I live just outside Toronto in a fairly well-to-do town called Oakville. It has beautiful, canopied tree-lined streets, friendly neighbours that smile and say Hello when you pass them and some of the worst fucking drivers on the planet. Honestly, if you’re coming out our way, be extra cautious on the roads because there’s a shitload of people who are anything but that.

They typically fall into the following 3 categories:

• the geezers

• the spoiled housewives

• and the “I have more money so the road is mine”

First of all, I think outside of a small town, Oakville has more 80 year-old drivers per capita than anywhere in Canada. You know the ones. Driving the same Buick Regal that they’ve had for 25 years because they only put a few hundred kilometers a year on it. Hunched behind the wheel barely able to see over the front dash. Wearing Coke bottle thick spectacles. And lacking the mobility to turn their heads and check their blind spots before changing lanes without signaling. Yes folks, there are geezers aplenty in Oakville and it makes for some dodgy driving. Especially in parking lots.

The other day, an old bird backed out of a spot in front of the Beer Store and didn’t even turn around to look. She just kept coming and I had to back up to avoid getting into a fender bender. I was going to honk my horn but didn’t want to risk giving the old coot a heart attack. It took her over a minute to get out of the spot – no kidding, it was half a song on my iPod.

So, here’s my suggestion: mandatory on-road testing every 3 years once you hit 75. That’s fair right? They’ve had 59 years of carefree driving. If you’ve still got it, prove it.

The next type of driver that you’ll encounter in Oakville is the spoiled housewife. First of all let me just say that I am NOT knocking housewives. It is both honourable and hard work staying home raising kids. But I’m not talking about your typical June Cleaver here. I’m talking about the ladies who lunch; the ones that would spend every day going to the club, the spa and chic restaurants for brunch while their nannies drop the kids off at school, do the shopping, clean the house and make the meals. You’ll usually find these women driving suburban tanks like Escalades, Mercedes 550 SUVs and Range Rovers. They drive with the same attention to others that the geezers do. But not because they’re incapable of doing things like checking their blind spots before changing lanes. They just don’t give a shit. Their attitude is more like, people should get out of the way for them. And this goes beyond road violations.

On Tuesday morning I drove my daughter to school and we decided to go to Tim Horton’s to grab a coffee. I parked in a spot and my daughter ran in. Then, one of these spoiled housewives drove her Land Rover up to the front door and parks, allowing her equally spoiled kid to jump out mere inches from the entrance. And she sits there idling away completely oblivious to the fact that the guy in the spot beside me is trying to pull forward but is blocked by her huge suburban assault vehicle. Eventually, she looked over – or rather down – and noticed that she was blocking his path. But do you think she moved that hulking truck? Hell no! Her precious daughter would have to walk a few extra feet to a parking space. So, when my daughter comes back with her bagel and coffee, I’m like, fuck this. I pulled forward in my Mini (I had a bit of space unlike the unlucky bugger next to me) till I was literally 6 inches from her side door. I followed that up with a friendly 'fuck you' toot on the horn. And then, hallelujah, she moved forward. But just enough so I could pass by – not to an actual parking spot though. And she looked at me like I was the one being an asshole.

I’m not really sure what to do about this bunch. I don’t think anything short of a whopping bankruptcy and downgrade to a Suzuki Firefly will change the way they drive.

Which is a nifty little segue into the next type of driver you’ll find en masse in Oakville. The “I have more money so the road is mine” group. And this may well be the largest demographic of the lot. They can be male or female. Young or old. But one thing is common. They treat everyone else on the road like they probably treat their house staff – like they’re inferior. After all they’re captains of industry. They have minions running around their offices probably wiping their asses for them. Everyone else on the road is a mere nuisance to them. In fact, we should all probably pull over to the curb for them like we do for fire trucks and ambulances.

I don’t think so! I don’t give a shit if you’re driving a Rolls Royce, Bentley or Ferrari, you’re just another schmuck on the road to me. These are the types of people who see that you’ve been waiting for a parking spot with your signal on but as soon as the car in the spot backs out, they pull in with complete disregard for the fact you’ve been waiting patiently for several minutes. These are the types of asswipes that make you jam on your brakes as you nudge ahead at a 4-way stop because they deserve to go first even if they only came to a marginal rolling stop. These are the types of dickheads that flash their lights at you to move over, even when you’re in the righthand lane on a 2-lane road doing 10 km over the speed limit. These are the fuckwads that blast their horn at you and pull right up to your bumper even when the whole goddamned world can see that you’re trying to parallel park into a spot, again, with your signal on. Yes, they’re a special breed these ones. And because Oakville is one of the more affluent communities in the country, there’s a whole shitload of them.

The cure? Again, bankruptcy and soup kitchens for you all!

So, take heed drivers of Ontario. If your travels bring you to Oakville, be alert and be prepared. Because you’re bound to run into some pretty ignorant, careless and arrogant drivers.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, May 6, 2011.

Locked-In = Screwed Over

2011-04-15T15:23:00.000-07:00

So this week I got yet another “renewal notice” in the mail from my current electricity supplier Just Energy. They are asking me to sign on for another term of a “locked-in” rate for 5 years. What’s that rate? I’ll get to that in a second.

You see, this is the same process I just went through about 2 months ago when my gas supplier sent me a similar renewal notice.

At that time, I went online and did some homework. The reality of the situation, as I found out, is that anyone who had locked into a set price for their gas over the past 5 years has paid over 25% more than what the majority of utility companies were charging. Several websites went as far to say that any customer who had done so basically got screwed because the huge increases in gas that these suppliers had anticipated (and set their rates by) never really happened. Sure there have been fluctuations with a few spikes along the way, but overall, the rates that the utilities have been charging (even with their quarterly adjustments), still netted out cheaper.

I remember looking at the renewal notice and, by law, they are now required to disclose how their current “lock-in” rate compares to the utility company’s current rates. Essentially, if I went back to my utility company to supply my natural gas, it worked out to something like half of what I’d pay per cubic metre than if I signed another long-term contract.

Then I checked out the long-term forecast of gas prices and they are steady with perhaps a slight increase. However, this could be offset lower with further discovery and drilling for natural gas, of which is in abundant supply in Canada.

So, I decided there’s no way I’m locking in with this gas supplier for 5 years. You’d have to have a hole in your head when you see the rates back-to-back.

Now, back to my electricity supplier. Same deal here. The rate they were quoting me was even more ridiculous. Well over twice the price per Kwh. Are they fucking mad? Do they honestly think that anyone in their right mind is going to re-sign these contracts?

All I can say is thank god for government intervention (I can’t believe I just said that) for ensuring that these companies now have to provide full disclosure on their pricing against the regulated utility companies. Because they didn’t have to do that years ago when they came banging on my door and lied about what “industry experts” were saying about how prices for natural gas and power were going to skyrocket over the next few years and I’d better “lock-in” to protect myself.

It was utter bullshit. And they preyed on people’s fear of economic conditions to coerce individuals and families to sign things without doing full investigations themselves. Well, I for one, hope that these bloodsuckers get royally screwed for their past behaviour.

A word to the wise: look into your current utility contracts if you signed for a “locked-in” rate. You’re getting hooped. And these contracts can be broken.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, April 15, 2011.

Dr. Green Is In The Brown With Me

2011-04-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Given that we’re now into the gray, rainy days of spring, this week’s rant is directed at lawn care companies. Specifically, Dr. Green.

On Thursday, I came home from work and saw that my lawn had been fertilized. Hmm, that’s funny I thought to myself. I didn’t order any lawn care service this year. I plucked the little green sign out of my grass and it was from Dr. Green. The same Dr. Green that, last summer, failed to recognize, on two separate visits, that I had a major chinch bug infestation. Which ended up in the complete decimation of my front lawn.

And on top of this unrequested visit, naturally, there was a bill for $57 in my mailbox.

So, I called up Dr. Green to inform them that at no time did I sign anything to continue their service for 2011. In fact, I didn’t mail their “pre-payment” form back. Nor did I return the message they left on my voicemail reminding me to send back said form. Their response was that “for my convenience, they continue their service season after season and it’s my responsibility to call if I want to cancel the service.” Oh, it’s for my convenience is it? Then why am I making this phone call complaining about a service I didn’t order? That’s not too fucking convenient for me is it? Plus, this whole thing sounds a lot like negative billing. Y’know, that little thing that was made illegal under the Consumer Protection Act years ago.

Besides, how frickin’ presumptuous is it for a company to think that you’re a satisfied, returning customer. I mean what if every company acted that way?

Anyway, after I unloaded my displeasure about their “policy,” the Dr. Green customer service rep said, “Well, I think we can take care of that bill for you sir.” Gee, you think so? You’re damned right you will. I didn’t order it. I’m not paying for it.

So, let that be a consumer alert for all you folks out there looking for a lawn care company. Watch out for the dreaded auto renewals.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, April 8, 2011.

Used Car Dentist

2011-03-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the hiatus. It's been a helluva few weeks. But I had an experience today at my dentist that I just had to share.

First of all, I don't know too many people that like going to the dentist. The scraping. The digging. The sucking tube. Etc... But today, those were just the minor annoyances of sitting in the reclining plastic chair for 30 minutes. What was more painful was the constant "pitching" of additional services and products. Yes folks, it seems marketing and sales has made its way into the dental practice in a big way.

I remember when I was a kid. My hygienist would make polite conversation while doing my teeth, then my dentist would come in, shake my hand, poke around for a bit and I'd get to pick a toy from a box when it was all done. Simple stuff. They didn't send you off with any toothbrushes or floss, but I didn't care. I had a new dinkie car or pack of hockey cards. The unfortunate part, as I later discovered, is that my dentist treated a small cavity as an excuse to destroy a whole damned tooth. Instead of just putting in a little "silver", he drilled out the whole goddamned thing (for good measure) and rammed it full of those lovely mercury fillings. Which I later paid for by having to have a multitude of crowns done.

Anyway...I digress.

Today, a trip to the dentist is a whole other deal. Within the first 10 minutes, the hygienist is recommending a periodontist consultation (which, of course, isn't covered by insurance). Five minutes later, she is suggesting a mouthguard (again, not covered by insurance). For the record, there's no bloody way I could sleep with a piece of plastic in my mouth. I had a hard enough time with a retainer as a kid - there's no way I'm wearing a mouthguard. Another five minutes passes and she recommends The Crest Spinbrush to help stop gum erosion. And I'm thinking, is this woman on commission like The Brick or something? Because that's what I felt like. But unlike The Brick where you can walk away from those annoying salespeople, I'm in a chair with some chick with a very pointy object in my mouth. It was also around this point that I also noticed there's a Crest poster on the ceiling. And when I'm all done, I'm handed a Crest floss package and a Crest toothbrush (y'know, just in case I don't decide to spend the cash for a Spinbrush).

By the time I left, I felt like I'd been pitched at for 30 minutes. Does my dentist get kick-backs from Crest? Or the periodontist he brings in? Or the manufacturer who makes mouthguards? I'm beginning to think so. Which really leaves a bad taste in my mouth (pun intended).

Next time, I'm going to bring in my iPod, close my eyes and tell her to let me know when she's done. Because I have a feeling it ain't much different anywhere else.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, March 25, 2011.

The Oscars AKA Root Canal

2011-02-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

So, this week’s rant is about one of the most glorified events on television. And it’s not the Super Bowl. It’s the Academy Awards AKA The Oscars.

Now normally, I don’t care much for the Oscars. I used to at least enjoy the Billy Crystal opening number. Even Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were mildly amusing. But this year’s hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway, should reach a new level of suckingness.

I also hate the long-winded speeches, mostly by people like the art directors and special effects folks who very rarely get a share of the limelight. I wonder if the guys in the orchestra pit are told about how much time to allot for speeches before they start playing.

Producer:

Listen Maestro, if it’s a B-category like costume design, start the violins after seconds.

Maestro:

What if a bunch of them come up on stage?

Producer:

Cut it to 10 seconds. We need to send a signal that there’s no goddamned way we’re going to listen to more than one of them.

Maestro:

Ok. So, what about Best Screenplay?

Producer:

Are you kidding me? Those guys are writers. They probably wrote a fucking novel. 20 seconds for them, tops.

Maestro:

And what about…

Producer:

…which reminds me. If anyone pulls out a piece of paper, 40 seconds max and then full-on goddamned orchestra, no subtle warm-up strings.

Maestro:

So, what’s the longest we hold off? Best Actor? Best Film?

Producer:

Unless it’s Jack fucking Nicolson, stick to the program! Jack Nicholson is like Moses coming down from the mountain. NEVER shut Jack down. Anyway, don’t worry about him. Jack hasn't made a decent movie for over a decade.

Finally, aside from the boring hosts and long-winded speeches, there’s the whole Red Carpet disaster. Yes, I know fashion is a big part of the Oscars – I get that. It’s the media asswipes they put on the red carpet that bother me. Like Ben Mulroney. And Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, who doesn’t want to just punch that guy in the throat?

Well, this year, I’m going to be in LA for the Oscars. Not that I’m going to be anywhere near the red carpet. But if you do see Ryan Seacrest get hit by a water balloon…well…y’never now right?

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 25, 2011.

Commuter Observations

2011-02-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

So, this week’s rant is a series of observations from commuting downtown today.

I always find it interesting when I take public transit. You run across all kinds of folks. (A great many of them douche bags). And here are a few stereotypes I noticed:

• the “I’m so fucking important, I’m going to have a cell phone conversation so loud that everyone knows I’m The Man” type. Honestly, this one guy was on his phone the entire 30-minute GO train trip and I lost count of the business clichés he used over that period. “We’ll circle back…” “Let’s socialize that with the team.” “…ladder up…” Blah, blah, blah. And at an audio level that a deaf person could hear. But he was so into his self-importance that he was oblivious to all the people looking at him thinking, “Shut the fuck up!” And the worse part was, I looked up and down the train and saw at least 5 or 6 other people doing the same thing. Mostly guys. In suits. And power ties. Wee men

• the “everyone else is wearing it, so why can’t I” type. Just because it’s a trend doesn’t mean it’s right for you. The current tights with high boots thing is everywhere I look. And it’s certainly made Lululemon a ton of money. But, if you’re packing an extra 60 pounds, there is no amount of spandex that will make those rolls of cellulite look good. Don’t get me wrong, I happen to believe that all women are beautiful (large or small) and, case in point, plus-size women in Montreal know how to dress for their body type and look amazing. But hit the suburbs of Toronto and it’s a train wreck. At least wear a nice long sweater or “swacket” and not the short parka. Nobody needs to see your oversized booty, especially me when I’m sitting down and your ass is right in my face

• the “get outta my way, I need to get somewhere in a hurry” type. This is really, really sad. And begs the question, why the hell are you in such a rush to get to work? Slow the fuck down instead of trampling people trying to get out the doors. Because, y’know what? The world isn’t going to end if you’re not at your sad desk job by 9 AM. Sharp. And you’re on a fast track to a heart attack to boot. I now know how the whole “rat race” term was coined and propagated. These people are like mice in a maze rushing like hell to get to a piece of cheese. Except, guess what? It’s a goddamned job. Slow down bucko

I’m sure you’re all saying to yourself, “yah, I’ve seen this too and it’s kinda sad.” Just hope that you’re not one of them. And if you are, wake the hell up!

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 18, 2011.

A Facebook Flub

2011-02-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

So, this week’s rant is short and simple:

Why the fuck did facebook change the way you view photos? It’s horrible. I can’t stand the little “arrow” scrolls. Albums are no longer immediately viewable at a glance. So, you have click on the little link to see an entire album; then it goes back to that horrible scroll-y thing.

Look, I’m all down with innovation and change is usually a good thing. The new profile, while it took forever to populate my “interests”, is kind of nice.

All the new Like pages, okay, I can deal with that too.

But, bad Mr. Zuckerberg for changing the photo interface. Very bad Mr. Zuckerberg.

Please see the error of your ways and revert back to the more user-friendly version.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 11, 2011.

A heartfelt thank you

2011-02-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

This week’s Rant is actually an anti-Rant. More of an homage really. And why? Because I just recently launched my own website and it dawned on me how fortunate I’ve been over my career to work with so many incredibly talented people. So, please bear with me as I take a trip down memory lane.

From my junior years, I must thank Tom Goudie and Clark Smith. I remember going to see Tom in the early 90s with my book. Apparently, Tom saw a spark of something and he gave me assignments to work on which I did diligently. Clark did my layouts for free – now keep in mind this was when typography was not done on computers but by hand. And he/they helped me get campaigns in my book that I could’ve never done by myself. So, thank you.

At V&B, Mark Dwyer taught me the art of radio writing and tried to give me every opportunity to apply what I was learning. Thanks Mark.

Then Ambrose Carr Linton Kelly, a truly independent creative agency. I learned so much from Doug Linton as a writer but I also had the good fortune of working with Gary Carr as a partner. And I have to pause to relay one story here. Gary and I were casting for a couple to do the tango via tapes from Miami. We were sitting through hours of footage until Gary hit the pause button. “Did you see that?” he said. “No”, I replied. He rewound the tape then played it in slow motion. “That!” he said. And upon closer inspection, I saw what he saw: the woman auditioning for the role wasn’t wearing panties under her skirt. “In all my years,” said Gary. “I’ve never seen bush on a casting tape.” Funny, but true. And it taught me about looking for the details on a macro level that has stuck with me.

Next up, Publicis where I met who would be my partner for the next 11 years, Chad Borlase (more on that later). But I also had the pleasure of working for Duncan Bruce. Duncan taught me a couple of key things: be kind to your staff and hang in there with them. Many nights when we were working on a pitch, Duncan would be there until 2 or 3 in the morning with the rest of the creative department. Whether he was physically working on the pitch or not – it didn’t matter. He stuck around. And when it was all said and done, Duncan was the first guy to say, “Go out this weekend with your wife and bring me the bill.” He understood that the tireless effort you put in was felt by your entire family.

Then, it was onto Maclaren McCann and things changed radically. Because for the first time, I was acting as a Creative Director. Dave Kelso and Marta Cutler gave Chad and I as much rope as we wanted to take and, in theory, let us run our own little agency within an agency on Rogers. And I thank them for that freedom and faith. At MM, I had the great fortune of working with incredibly talented creative teams like Pete Breton and Dave Douglass (now exec CDs at Cossette) and Richard Boehnke and Jason Kinsella, amongst other teams too. It wasn’t easy learning how to let go of creative control (and I’m sure I made a few mistakes), but I discovered that my job was more about creating opportunities for teams to shine than doing it myself. Great work was done. Big awards were won. And it was huge stepping stone in my career.

And then came Bos. At the time, they were the top of the pops in Montreal but literally unknown outside of Quebec. There were 5 people in the office when Chad and I were appointed as co-CDs. It was sink or swim. Within 6 months, we’d created the Bloody Zit campaign for Mac’s that garnered a ton of attention and controversy. And we were on our way. In 5 years, we helped grow the agency in Toronto from 5 people to 40. And we had the pleasure of working with some really smart young teams, namely Ibraheem Youssef/Fred Nduna and Joanna Barrs/Jen Saunders.

Six years later, as I decided to put together a personal website, I had to look back upon my body of work and it was really hard to crystallize it all. One thing became abundantly clear though. The quality of the work I’d been involved with since 1990 had been significantly ramped up since I partnered with Chad in 1989. And for that, I will be forever grateful to him.

So, in closing, I’d like to invite you all to visit itsgarywatson.com and witness for yourself the work that has driven me, shaped me and given me purpose to continue in this industry.

If your name wasn’t mentioned, I apologize. But know that your work was appreciated.

And that’s my anti-rant for Friday, February 4, 2011.

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from the Friday Night Rant for personal reasons and the fact that it was the holiday season. I actually considered letting it die altogether because I thought to myself, do I really need to be so negative and focus on the crappy things that are going on around me? Then I realized that the Rant is kind of like therapy for me. It allows me to get a lot of stuff off my chest in a forum where hopefully, it may help others, whether it’s a consumer alert or just gives people a chuckle.

So, I’m back with the first post of 2011.

It seemed fitting, then, that I should reflect on what preoccupies most peoples’ minds this time of year – New Year’s Resolutions.

The great thing about writing about this topic in mid-January is that most people have already broken their resolutions by now. Ye, of weak wills.

The thing that I find most entertaining is the way that marketers take full advantage of peoples’ insecurities. Gyms, fitness equipment retailers and weight loss programs flood the airwaves and newspapers reminding people just how much they’ve become fat asses over the holidays. Ah, yes, guilt is almost as powerful an emotive play as sex appeal when it comes to selling the “get fit” mentality. Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of the whole pseudo-inspirational tone they use in their ads, they just told it like it was?

A gym ad would really sound something like Ben Stiller’s Globo Gym owner in Dodgeball:

“If you ate and drank too much over the holidays then you’re probably like most people – pathetic, fat and lazy. So, instead of reaching for that sixth piece of pizza, try reaching for a set of dumbbells.”

Or, imagine a Jenny Craig ad:

“If you’re like me, you probably ate a lot of delicious, calorie-rich meals and treats over the holidays. And if you’re like me, you probably gained a few pounds. And if you’re like me, you’re probably dreading the horrible tasteless-shit-that-poses-as-food from Jenny Craig.”

I could go on and on. There’s just so much of it.

But maybe I’ll just close by saying that I too fell into the trap of making a New Year’s Resolution. A full detox in January complete with no booze, no treats, no empty carbs, no red meat and lots of exercise. Well, 14 days in, I’ve had two days when I poured a drink or two down my throat, but other than that I’m hanging in there. I’ll just add those two failed days to the beginning of Feb. Heck, I may even keep going just to see how long I can go. Or not.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, January 14, 2011.

Naughty Holiday Advertising

2010-12-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

This time of year, you’re bombarded with holiday ads because obviously it’s the holiday season. D’uh. But does that mean that we have to be subjected to the same themes and ad techniques every damned year?

If I thought about this for any great length of time, I’d likely be able to come up with a list of over-used unimaginative clichés as long as Santa’s. But for the sake of simplicity, here are 3 recurring holiday ad themes that make me cringe:

1. The “Re-do the lyrics to Christmas Carols” approach

Every year, there is no shortage of advertisers that choose to take classic songs and turn them into unfunny parodies. I mean, I love a good parody. In fact, if you’ve never heard some of the Bob Rivers Christmas songs, check them out. They’re funny as hell. But mindlessly changing “Deck the halls with boughs of holly” to “Deck the halls with buckets of chicken” (yes, I’m being facetious here) is ridiculous. And it seems there’s no amount of shame in plugging overt sales messages, like 50% off or great deals, into these songs. Well, stop it! All of you! It’s not clever. And a monkey could do it

2. The “Santa as Spokesperson” scripts

This sad and shortsighted attempt at creative turns our beloved purveyor of presents and good yuletide spirit into a sad pitchman. From electronics and office supplies to fashion and automotive, every year, some company debases this poor bugger. But why stop at the obvious? Why not use Santa as a pitchman for Preparation H. “Ho! Ho! Ho! After driving around the world on my hard sleigh in the bitter cold, I get hemorrhoids the size of chestnuts that feel like they’ve been roasting on an open fire. That’s why I use Preparation H.” Or, how about this one? “Ho! Ho! Ho! Every January, after packing on the pounds eating goddamned cookies and milk all those little shits leave out for me, I call Jenny Craig. The food tastes like crap but I lose a ton of weight. Then, I pack it all on again.”

Other make believe holiday characters in this same category include elves (which always seem to have pitched-up voices) and occasionally Mrs. Claus herself

3. The “Advent Calendar Bastardization”

We all know what an advent calendar is, but do we really need to be reminded of all the deals we can get every day on computer supplies? Like I need 25 printer cartridges. I mean, don’t you think the avarice of the season is hard enough without any one company trying to get you to part with your cash for the 25 days leading up to Christmas?

As I said, I’m sure I could come up with more overused holiday ad techniques. In fact, if you can think of any, comment and let me know which holiday ads drive you crazy.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, December 3, 2010.

Home Security Robbery

2010-11-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

If there’s anyone out there thinking of getting a home security system, I can tell you one company to stay the hell away from…Chubb Security (or Chubb Edwards as they’re now known).

First of all, let me say that I didn’t choose this company in the first place. I inherited them from the previous homeowner who had an extensive security system installed before we bought the house.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy it was there. But now I wish it was any other company but Chubb.

Here’s why?

Last month, I had a sensor die on me. For those not familiar with home security systems, it’s basically a magnetic, wireless antenna powered by a battery that’s usually installed on the doorframe. A small magnetic unit is also installed on the door and the magnetic pull is basically the trip system. Anyway, enough technical crap…

So, the antenna on the one piece had broken off and needed to be replaced. We called Chubb service and it took literally days for them to connect with us and arrange a convenient time for them to come out. At this point, there was no mention of price and to be honest, it was a moot point – we needed to have the front door sensor fixed.

Well, buddy arrives with a new sensor, replaced it, tested the system and left, all in the span of 20 minutes. Once again, at this stage, no bill is presented either before the service is done or afterwards. We ask how much it’s going to cost and the reply is that we will get a bill in the mail from Chubb.

The bill arrives a week later and the price is $295. Fuck me! Seriously? The part itself (which upon reflection, I probably could’ve taken to some electronics shop to have the antenna soldered back on – or even done it myself) was $122. Which seemed a bit steep, but I figure that’s how they screw you – on the piece of parts. But what I couldn’t believe were the labour charges. Get this: $77 for transportation costs and $68 for labour. Do the math and the labour adds up to more than the damn part. For 20 minutes of work! Hey, I understand if there’s a minimum fee of some kind. Fine, that I can deal with. And if that’s the $68 charge, then I can swallow that (not easily, after all, for the time he was there, it’s the equivalent of paying $204/hour). But what’s with the fucking Transportation charge?! I could fill my car one and a half times and drive two weeks for what these asswipes are charging to drive out to my house. At this price, you'd think the guy drove from North Bay, right? Or, Sarnia? Or, Windsor? Nope. He came from Mississauga – literally a 10-minute drive from my house. That, to me, is just consumer gouging. Plain and simple.

So, I called up the customer service department and complained. I told them I was outraged and wasn’t going to pay the Transportation Cost and a minimum labour fee. And you know what the first customer service rep says to me? Then we will have to discontinue your monitoring until you pay your bill. Really? “Let me speak to your supervisor.” The guy gets on the phone and I repeat my assertion. Furthermore, I go on to say that at no time during the entire process did anyone provide me with an estimate on the cost or outline the associated fees. He tells me that if anyone else services the system and my house gets broken into, then Chubb will assume no liability whatsoever. He’s still contending that the fees must be paid. As a last measure, I told him that as soon as I got off the phone with Chubb, I was going to call the Monitoring Centre, transfer my system over and they could take me to small claims court if they wished. After putting me on hold for a minute or so, the guy comes back on, waives the Transportation fee, cuts the labour fee in half and revises my bill.

But why?

Why is it that nowadays you have to threaten companies with taking your business elsewhere to get action? As far as I’m concerned, unless there’s a signature on an estimate and the consumer is fully aware of all the costs associated with either a product purchase or a service performed, there should be nothing done. That’s simply the way business runs.

The fact that Chubb took advantage of the client/customer relationship is inexcusable. It’s shady business practice, full stop.

It’s no wonder I feel like I’ve been robbed ironically by the security company that’s supposed to be keeping the bad guys out of my house.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, November 19, 2010.

Build the Damned Bridge

2010-11-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

I actually wanted to write this rant a few weeks ago but never got around to it. However, given that I’m flying to Montreal next week, the topic became fresh in my head.

And it has to do with the Toronto island airport.

First of all, I like flying Porter. The terminal is nice. You can grab complimentary coffee, biscotti, water, juice. That’s cool. And the service on the flights is great too (I haven’t had a bad experience yet anyway). The problem is access to the airport itself.

Let me put it this way.

Never, ever, drive your car and park on the island. Why? The parking is ridiculous. I had to mission about 15 minutes to actually get to the damned terminal from my space. Second, the wait to get your car on the stupid ferry. If you miss the ferry, which will likely happen when you have to park so frickin’ far away, then you have to wait for the next one. Now, you’d figure that since you can see the shore from the terminal that would only take a few minutes. But that’s where you’d be wrong. I had to wait almost 20 minutes for it to load up, cross the water, unload on the island side, then load up and go back across. I’m sure any traveler can appreciate that as soon as you get off the plane, you just want to get the hell home as fast as possible. Not the case if you choose to park at the Porter terminal.

I know what you’re probably thinking – why would you even drive there? Well, because I live in Oakville and it’s an $80 cab ride. Or, why didn’t I park on the shore-side? Because parking on the shore is the same as on the island – a 15-minute walk away.

For those not familiar with the whole ferry crossing thing, let me explain. I think I can probably toss a baseball from one side to the other. It takes literally a minute to cross. So, why in god’s name haven’t they built a bridge? Well, they tried. But Mr. David Miller nixed it on the grounds that it was “detrimental to the regional environment.” Which puzzles me because instead, you have a huge diesel-powered ferry making dozens of trips a day, running its engine all that time and no doubt leaking fuel and crap into the lake. So, that argument doesn’t seem to hold water. Plus, there’s the cost of running this hulking metal monstrosity 365 days a year.

A bridge, respectfully designed and thoughtfully constructed could help solve this stupid ferry problem. And it’s going to be needed, especially when Air Canada starts flying out of the island.

I don’t get it. The city can support more ridiculous multimillion-dollar construction projects than you can shake a stick it but it can’t build a simple bridge to the island airport?

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, November 12, 2010.

Frandom Night Rant

2010-11-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this week, it's a shmorgishborg; a cornucopia; a virtual buffet of random crap that I've heard/seen/felt this week. A kind of grey matter cleansing.

Here goes:

1. To follow-up on my rant about the abuse of music in commercials, I heard yet another ad for OceanClub Condos this week to the tune of "Hands Up (Gimme Your Heart)." Not that I really give a shit that the company raked this song over the coals because it has always sucked ass, but all I could think was...somewhere, there's a condo company with so little creativity that all they can do is screw up songs. Can you imagine the poor bastards that have to work for this client? I think I'd rather live in Afghanistan under Taliban rule than debase myself on these kinds of accounts

2. Rob Ford, the mayor-elect in Toronto (who I'm also ranted about), has just disclosed that he is $650,000 short in his election budget. Wait a tic. Isn't this the same guy that built his entire platform on irresponsible government spending? I guess the gravy train has spilled its contents on Rob's size 50 shirt.

Oh, and he's a really cool aside - when I was a young lad, myself and several of my friends used to buy blocks of hash from Mr. Mayoral Elect's brother. So, it should come as no surprise that he was booked for marijuana possession

3. God bless Ontario Hydro. It's bad enough that we're all being gouged by the HST increase, but now they've decided to extend their peak hours so basically, unless you're an insomniac with a penchant for doing laundry or running your dishwasher at 3 o'clock in the morning, you will now be paying more every time you flick a switch, run a vacuum, etc... Thanks guys for the kick in the nuts when I was already on the floor

4. On a final note - this goes back to 2009 when I first starting writing this blog - I ranted about Citizens Bank of Canada's MyTreat Visa Cards and the expiration dates and administrative fees they charge...

http://brainfarts-garywatson.blogspot.com/2009/11/visa-my-treat-card-scam.html

...which, as I've always contended is against the Ontario Consumer Protection law passed on October 1, 2007 (look it up if you wish). Well, this week, I had a call from a researcher for CBC's Marketplace who came across my rant, contacted me and asked if I'd be willing to be interviewed for the investigation they're doing on the cards. Really? Where were they a year ago? Oh, wait...it's CBC. Another classic example of our tax dollars at work.

Okay, that's it. I could go on about other things that happened this week, but I think I'll keep some things to myself (yeah, big surprise, right?).

So, this is my brain fart for Friday, November 5, 2010.

Yappy Dogs & Stupid Owners

2010-10-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

Directly behind me is a house in which there are two small, yappy dogs. One is a shitzu and the other is a miniature poodle mix of some sort. I know as soon as these two dogs are let outside because they immediately start yapping. Incessantly. They bark at every sound. They bark when I turn on my kitchen light. They bark, bark, bark. And what do you think their owners do? Fuck all. They sit on their lazy asses inside and let them yap on.

Now, this couple is real special. They've come over to my house during a midsummer's day and told me that my music was too loud. And we politely turned it down - even though I can assure you it wasn't loud at all. This is also the couple that have regular, profanity-laced screaming matches with their teenage daughter and son when my neighbours young kids are out in the backyard playing on their trampoline. Yes, they're special indeed.

So, it comes as no surprise to me that the dogs are the way they are. Everyone knows that dogs are only as well-behaved as the owners train them to be. These owners don't seem to have any time for their pets. I rarely see them being walked. And they seem to use their backyard as an excuse for their own laziness. And personally, I chalk the yapping up to plain old neglect.

To put a finer point on their canine-loving nature, they had another dog that drowned in their backyard pool. And they didn't even realize it till it was far too late to resuscitate it. So what did they do? Naturally, they went out and got that poodle-mixed puppy to replace the one that committed suicide. Which boggles the mind.

I mean, if the pet store owner knew that these dogs were regularly locked out in the backyard day and night yapping and barking for literally hours on end and their previous dog drowned in their pool, do you think they'd sell them another dog? I would hope not. I certainly wouldn't.

Oakville has a noise ordinance that lists incessant dog barking as a valid reason for a complaint. I'm thinking that if this goes on much longer, I may have to drop a photocopy into their mailbox as a kindly, anonymous reminder that their dogs are a pain in the ass. As are they.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, October 29, 2010.

On an upbeat note: Happy Halloween everyone.

Hairy Ass Badvertising

2010-10-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer:

Let me begin this rant by saying that there are very few advertising campaigns that I have publicly disparaged (except for the “Mercer Mercer Me” condo jingle). Why? Because I work in this industry and know how hard it is to conceptualize, sell and produce work. Besides, I’ve even put a few ads out there that I’m not particularly proud of (who hasn’t in this business).

That being said, there is one campaign in particular that is puzzling to me on so many fronts that I cannot hold my tongue any longer.

The Charmin toilet paper bears campaign.

For those not familiar with it, the campaign is based on a family of animated bears that seem to have an ongoing problem with their toilet paper breaking up into pieces and sticking to their asses.

The animation I can forgive. After all, I don’t really want to see the real thing.

The odd thing for me is the strategy itself.

Personally, I have never, ever had a problem with toilet paper (whether it be the expensive 3-ply or the cheap crap at the office) breaking up and sticking to my anus. Yet this “problem” is the forefront of the Charmin campaign.

Which makes one wonder: did they actually conduct focus groups and ask people what their big beef was about the toilet paper they were using?

• “It’s not soft enough.” Yep, I see can that.

• “The rolls aren’t big enough.” I can see that too.

But exactly from whom did they get the answer “I have an issue with rubbing my ass so hard after a crap that the toilet paper breaks up in my hand.” Or, “I have such a large dump that when it hits the water, it splashes up and soaks my butt.” Or, “my bowel movements are perpetually runny.”

Seriously, who would admit to that?

But apparently, it’s such a huge problem that Charmin decided to make it the sole focus of their communications.

Now, let’s think about the target.

By using the analogy of bears, they’re basically saying that people with big hairy asses suffer from this problem. And, hell, I guess there must be a lot of them. From my limited exposure to the fairer sex, I’m pretty sure that I can safely say they’re not talking about women. So, then it must follow that there must be a shitload (pardon the pun) of dudes with major hair problems in their nether regions. Which begs another question? Why do their wives know about this? Do the guys complain about the toilet paper they’re buying? Have they heard about laser treatment?

The other weird thing for me is that the “bear” with the problem in the ads is never the adults. It’s always the children. What’s up with that? Is that an innocent way of making guys with hairy asses feel less “called out?”

Even stranger is the product demonstration segment in the ads that shows a “3 lb brick” being dragged over the wet toilet paper. Why 3 pounds? Did someone figure out that human beings wipe their ass with exactly 3 pounds of pressure? And how did they arrive at that? (I don’t want to imagine).

All in all, I simply have never understood this campaign. Or know anyone who has. It makes me shake my head and think horribly gross thoughts about cling-ons and nasty hygiene. And they make it all seem so happy and laissez faire.

Sorry Charmin. Please do something else or go back to Mr. Whipple. Unless he had a big hairy ass too.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, October 22, 2010.

Why Ban Cameras from Concerts

2010-10-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

“No cameras or recording devices.”

That’s what was printed on the face on my Gorillaz concert ticket for last night’s show. Which greatly pissed me off because this was one band that I really wanted to get some decent photos of. Because god bless Apple, but the iPhone camera is a huge piece of shit.

And therein lies the irony. Mobile phones have become so advanced that they really have become recording devices. My brother got some decent video footage off his BlackBerry and apparently he wasn’t alone. I went on YouTube and did a search for Gorillaz, Toronto and there’s 86 videos posted. 86! In less than 24 hours.

Check it out for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Gorillaz%2C+Toronto&aq=f

So, seriously, why ban real cameras. It’s just stupid.

(Oh, and in case you were wondering, the show was far more than a concert. It was an epic spectacle with probably 25+ musicians, amazingly funny animated videos and Damon Alborn at his finest. Truly, one of the best shows I’ve ever witnessed).

And that’s my abbreviated brainfart for Friday, October 15, 2010.

Avoid National Home Services

2010-10-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I was paid a visit by two young women that worked for National Home Services. They were going door-to-door asking people to switch their hot water tank rental to National.

They pointed out that many of the tanks in my neighbourhood, which is almost half a century old, had tanks that wouldn’t meet current code standards.

To boot, I’d had problems with the tank and Reliance had come out twice in the last 6 months to fix it. At no point did they ever suggest, however, replacing the tank as a solution.

So, down to the basement I go with this young woman and she points out that the venting and location of the gas line input would not pass code. She also has a brochure that shows off their shiny, white tanks and tells me how these newer models are better, more efficient and, well, they’re new.

So far, so good.

All I have to do is sign over authorization for National Home Services to assume responsibility for the hot water tank rental and they’d do the rest…from installing the new tank to getting rid of the old one to processing the switch over from Reliance.

O-K. So far, so good.

So, they came and replaced the tank, I paid my last Reliance bill and as of October 1st, I’d officially be signed over to National Home Services.

That’s when the wheels fell off.

On Tuesday night, I got a call from customer services at National informing me that Reliance has refused to take my old water tank back. In essence it means that as far as Reliance are concerned, I am still their customer and they will continue to bill me. Now, I liken this to a little kid who covers their eyes and ears and says, “yah-yah-yah-yah” when someone tries to speak to them. Reliance is clearly losing a helluvalot of customers and has taken the most immature, unprofessional stance possible – ignore it and maybe it’ll go away.

So, I asked the National customer service rep, “Did you not anticipate that Reliance would take some sort of action to stop the hemorrhaging of their accounts?” National’s response was, “Well, there’s nothing we can do if Reliance refuses to take the tanks back.” wtf? “I have one suggestion for you,” I replied. “Stop billing me until you sort this shit out. Your company assured me that this would be a smooth transition and that you would take care of the switch. And, as far as I’m concerned, I’m not paying two bills especially when one tank is rotting away somewhere in your warehouse. The Reliance tank is in your possession, not mine. You pay the bill.” “We can’t do that sir,” was her retort. “You are obligated by contract to pay us. And if you choose to not pay the Reliance bill, that is your prerogative. However, on your behalf and all National customers, we are initiating a class action lawsuit to force Reliance to accept the tanks and recognize that they are no longer servicing your home.”

Which is a big pile of bullshit! The only reason they’re suing Reliance is because they’re sitting on a mountain of rotting tanks and don’t want to have to pay for them to be recycled or disposed of. If they really cared about their customers, they’d waive their rental fees until this was all taken care of and Reliance stopped trying to fuck over their former clients. As a company who assured me of a very smooth and seamless transition, National Home Services clearly have lost all credibility, accountability and respect from me.

The purpose of National calling me this week was simple. It was a cleverly veiled threat about “don’t even think about not paying us.” And “don’t call us” when you get another bill from Reliance – there, we’ve warned you.

If I could rewind the clock, after I opened my door to National Home Services and they told me about how ancient my hot water tank was, I should’ve called Reliance and demanded a new tank or I walk. But I didn’t. I put my trust in a company that promised something that seemed too good to be true. And guess what? It was.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, October 1, 2010.

Toronto Mayoral Race Is A Joke

2010-09-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

I gotta say, I’ve never been happier to not be a citizen of Toronto than at the current time. Why? Because Toronto are about to elect what may be the worst mayor in the history of the city. A fucking redneck named Rob Ford.

I am absolutely dumbfounded that this jackass has the lion’s share of the vote and will likely get in barring some disaster.

I can’t even begin to describe the number of politically incorrect faux pas this man has made both on and off the record. It’s staggering. But, for a fine account of them, check out this Globe article:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/rob-ford-and-a-decade-of-controversy/article1678543/

And it gets better. Watch Rob Ford take on a reporter who “mouthed” that he was a “fat fuck” (which he is by the way).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8EpSdyB0zY

But that’s not all folks. This one is a beauty about cyclists in Toronto:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nySs1cEq5rs&feature=related

So, you need to ask yourselves a question: how the fuck did this “fat fuck” get enough public support to be a contender for mayor?

Answer: he was a cheap bastard.

Yep, that’s it. This is the guy who, year after year, filed $0 as his expense budget as a city councilor. That’s his real claim to fame. And Torontonians who are looking for more fiscal accountability in municipal government ate it up. I mean, that must be it, right? He really has no redeeming qualities in terms of leadership, compassion or morality (the last one based on his complete denial/lack of recall about events that earned him a criminal conviction in Florida).

Yet, given all the above, Rob Ford looks like he’s actually going to pull it off.

Torontonians should be ashamed of themselves. Especially when there is a real quality candidate in Joe Pantalone who’s going to get shut out. (He’d be my pick anyway).

Even the second leading candidate on the bill is a fuckwad. George Smitherman is as crooked as it gets when it comes to politics. eHealth scandal. Backroom deals with Ford Canada to build a power plant in Oakville 100 metres from schools as Minister of Energy & Infrastructure. Here’s a guy who was deputy PM that could’ve stood up for Toronto on numerous occasions when it came to provincial funding for things like TTC. And he didn’t say a damned thing. He’s a first class ass kisser and a dishonest wanker.

Wow, it’s hard to believe that one of the leading cities in the world is going to have a piece of shit mayor whether it’s Ford or Smitherman. It’s as bad as Mel fucking Lastman.

Is it too late to convince Mr. Miller to stay on?

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, September 24, 2010.

Stupid Cyclists

2010-09-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

This week, I came extremely close to getting into accidents with cyclists in Toronto - once in my car, another as a pedestrian.

I don’t mean to stereotype all cyclists into one unsavory bunch but in my estimation only about 25% of bike riders actually obey the rules of the road. I like these guys and give them every respect of sharing the streets with them. I don’t drive up their asses, I give them ample room in the curb lane, etc…

But there are so many assholes on bikes out there that they kind of tarnish the reputations of the good ones. And I think it negatively impacts how vehicles on the road interact with cyclists. Believe me, I’ve seen many drivers treat bikers like they have no right whatsoever to be on the street.

Now, to get back to the bad cyclists, here were the two incidents that occurred. First one, in my car. I was making a left hand turn at a light to go down a side street. I had stopped in the intersection to let a pedestrian finish crossing. When she was clear, I proceeded to make my turn when all of a sudden out of nowhere a cyclist comes blazing across the sidewalk through the intersection clearly on the wrong side of the street. I had to jam on my brakes which in turn forced an oncoming car to do the same or he would’ve t-boned me on the passenger side. To make matters worse, the fucking guy on the bike starts giving me the finger and cursing me out. What a dickhead! The law states monsieur dickhead that you must dismount your bike and walk it across especially if you’re riding on the sidewalk.

Which brings me to my second run-in of the week.

I’m walking along College Street, which actually has bike lanes by the way, and this snot-nosed kid comes riding up behind me on the sidewalk and starts ringing his bell at me. I turned around and asked him what the hell does he think he’s doing on the sidewalk. He says, “Fuck you!” and blasts around me nearly knocking an old Italian geezer off his feet. Seriously, there’s a fucking bike lane literally two feet away. Is he too chicken shit to ride in close proximity of vehicular traffic? If so, leave the bike at home and take public transit you little shit. Sidewalks are for “walking” on. It ain’t that tough to comprehend.

I could go on and on about the litany of other laws that are broken daily by cyclists from paying zero attention to stop signs to snaking their way through cars in heavy traffic, but what’s the point? Reality is, it’s probably going to take someone knocking them on their sorry asses to get them to change their bevaviour. Which is a real shame. And the police? They sure as hell don’t seem to be doing much about it. Which is also a shame.

I really don’t mind sharing the road with cyclists. I admire that they’re doing their bit for the environment and getting some exercise to boot. But if you’re going to wield that 100-pound hunk of metal around like a jerk off, get ready for the wrath of drivers everywhere.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, September 17, 2010.

Stop the Musical Bastardization

2010-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight’s Rant is geared at my own industry and in particular the way that music has become so abused in commercials.

Like most of you, I’ve become quite accustomed to TV commercials using popular songs as musical beds. Some are done quite well where the lyric of the song ties directly to the concept. I don’t mind that. I’ve done it myself most recently with an updated version of “Getting to Know You” on a Honda Canada ad.

Then again, others simply buy a song to excuse the horrible concept of the ad – or lack thereof. You know the spots - happy people bouncing around to a tune that adds absolutely nothing to the idea other than a soundtrack. As if a good song can save a bad commercial. These ones bother me. And I fail to understand why any client would pay the licensing and publishing fees to polish their turd of a commercial. I guess they deserve it.

But that’s not the worst offender. Which brings me to the focus of my diatribe.

Today, I was driving into work and heard a radio spot that started with a very familiar refrain – the smooth melody of Marvin Gaye’s “Mercy Mercy Me.” And then, good lord, the horror began. Instead of the lyrics that opened this poignant song, the words, “Mercy, Mercy Me” were replaced by “Mercer, Mercer, Me.” The ad was for a condo company selling a new development called, guess it, “The Mercer.” Agh!!! You can’t be serious?! Someone had the gall to take what is probably one of the first ecological anthems, a heartfelt plea for environmental awareness and turn it into a piece of shit jingle for a condo! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?

But, y’know what, someone actually approved that lyrical change. Either Gaye’s estate or the current holder of his publishing rights (because Marvin was the sole creator of the song).

Can you imagine how the conversation went?

“Ah, hi there. We’re interested in the publishing rights to Mercy Mercy Me, but we’d like to make one itsy, bitsy change to the lyrics.”

“Hmm. Okay? Which ones exactly – the chorus, the verse, what?”

“Actually, we’d like to kind of re-write the main lyric and title of the song.”

“I see. Why? You find the word Mercy a little too soft? Are you doing a kind of punk rock thing with it and want to get edgier?”

“Not really, we’re selling condos.”

“You’re what?”

“We’re selling condos called the Mercer…and…well, I think you know where this is going.”

“Geez, I don’t know about that. It’s the title of the song. And Marvin really had a lot of heart for it. I don’t know about…”

“We’ll pay you $100,000.”

“Alrighty then, Mercer Mercer Me it is.”

“Fantastic! The cheque’s in the mail. Oh, and just one more thing.”

“Uh huh.”

“We’re building another project in downtown Toronto and we were wondering if you might be interested in selling us the rights to Marvin’s Inner City Blues – Makes Me Wanna Holler. We think Inner City Mews – Makes Me Wanna Call Up is kinda catchy. You think?”

(CLICK & DIAL TONE)

Mercy, Mercy Me indeed. Marvin Gaye must be rolling is his frickin’ grave for this blasphemy.

So, to the writer that thought it was a great idea to bastardize the lyrics, all I can say is shame on you. I hope the next time you try and get sexy with your partner to Sexual Healing your erection fails you miserably (if you’re a guy). May you break your ankle the next time you get up to dance to What’s Going On at a wedding. And may you continue on the pathetic career path on which you’re currently engaged.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, September 3, 2010.

Ontario Ministry of Don't-Do-That

2010-08-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

I had the joy of going into an Ontario Ministry of Transportation office in Oakville last week to pick up a Used Car Vehicle package to sell my MGB (it’s still for sale by the way if you’re interested) and let me tell you, it was quite an experience.

First of all, I understand the need for posters that inform people about license expiry dates, unpaid 407 toll fees, etc… but I was dumbstruck by the number of hand-written notes that were plastered all over the place. On the front door alone, there were three: “Please keep the door closed. We’re trying to conserve energy” (even though it was a heavy steel door that closed just fine all by itself). “Do not bring food or pets into the office.” And “Before hours, please form a line to the right. Do not block doorway.” You’re probably thinking, OK, most of these make sense. Perhaps, but the feeling I got was that I’m not even in the damned building and they’re already in my face.

Inside, there were almost a dozen more badly hand-written signs all over. Everything from “You are responsible for your children. Do not let them play with the chains or poles.” (the line dividers) to “Turn off your cell phones as soon as you are called by the next available Ministry employee.” Even on the desk where you fill out your forms, there were two signs: “Do not let your children sit on this desk while you fill out paperwork.” and “The Ministry is not responsible for providing pens. Should you not have a pen, please ask a customer to borrow one.” WTF? Could they possible come across as bigger assholes? You just know that one employee was asked for a pen one too many times, got fed up and said, “That’s it! I’m making a sign telling people not to ask me for pens.” And it steamrolled from there. It’s ridiculous!

Here's what I'd like to do: block the doorway before the Ministry opens, then prop the door wide open, walk in with a huge coffee and greasy piece of pizza, sit on the counter while screaming that there are “no fucking pens in this place,” rattle the line dividers and chains while running around the office, then faking a phone sex call as soon as you get up to the window? Awesome.

Next, the scam of having to pay $20 to get a Used Car package. Another government scam. Whatever happened to buy beware? Do I really care that 3 other people owned the car before I buy it? Hell no. I just make sure the car is in decent running condition. The $20 cash grab is yet another McGuinty fuck you to Ontarians.

Finally, yet another cash grab. Did you know that you have to pay the 13% HST when you sell a used car? Why? When the car was new, someone had to pay the HST on it already. So, I have to pay it on the same vehicle again? That’s crazy? Luckily for me, the residual value listed on my MGB is $0. So, no matter what I end up selling it for, I’m putting the sale of the car at $1. And I’ll pay the 13¢ HST on it. Screw you McGuinty!

I’m not sure if there are other Ministry of Transportation offices like the one if Oakville but if I was a betting man, I’d take the odds that there are. Which just goes to perpetuate the myth that people that work at DMVs are miserable buggers.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, July 30, 2010.

Getting Off The Grid

2010-08-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

I've been on holidays for a week now and I've discovered something that I'm sure is plaguing a lot of people who have become immersed in the digital world. And it's simple...

Trying to turn off from "the grid" is almost impossible.

I was up in Haliburton for the better part of the week and unfortunately, there's good reception up there. I didn't pick up my phone much but when I did, there was always this annoying little number beside my Mail folder. "21" or "40" or whatever. And I couldn't ignore it. I just HAD to get that number off my damn phone. So, I'd open my email, trash most of it, which was spam or stuff that I really didn't need to read...but I couldn't stop myself from peeking at the shit that was going on at the office.

Now, I know many of you are probably thinking, "you idiot, why didn't you just turn off your Fetching and then you wouldn't get any email." Yes, I could easily do that. But I'm just as terrified of the Inbox overload. You know, when you finish holidays and open your Inbox for the first time and there's 1,000 emails. (And I'm not kidding - I'm off for 2 weeks and I guarantee you that there'd be at least that many). I mean, nothing fucks up your vacation glow like having to spend the next 3 nights trying to get through all your emails.

The other good thing is that I happen to work with a guy who does a great job at not cc'ing me on stuff while I'm off. He just takes care of shit. And I do the exact same when he's away. But there are some people that just can't help typing in my email address even when they know I'm on holidays. Hell, if they didn't know because we work in the same office, then maybe the auto-generated "I'm on holidays" reply message might just give it away. Maybe it needs to be a bit more overt. Something like, "Thanks for sending me this email, but I'm away on vacation and there's no fucking hope in hell of me returning it. Even if you were being eaten alive by a crocodile, I would not reply. Furthermore, I would not call 911 on your behalf. So, piss off and don't send me another email until I return to the office on August 15th. Then, if the crocodile hasn't devoured you completely, I will be delighted to answer the thing you couldn't seem to get done on your own while I was away. Thank you."

Because if shit happens while I'm away, guess what, I can't do fuck all about it (nor do I want to). So deal with it and fill me in when I get back.

I know Chad and I usually have an hour-long (or more) breakfast to catch up on anything that's happened over the course of our holidays. And believe me, it sure beats the hell out of reading through a 1,000 emails.

Right then...so, why I can't just leave it to that breakfast and delete my entire Inbox? Why do people slow down to watch a car wreck? Curiosity. It's like being a fly on the wall. And I just can't seem to kick it.

Why am I on facebook on my holidays?

Why am I writing this blog on my holidays?

Fucked if I know. But I just haven't got to the point when I can shut off my digital world.

Does it ruin my vacation? Hell no. I can still chill wherever I am, read a book, eat some good food and shut off the daily stress of work. And in the end, isn't that what holidays are for?

So, don't feel bad or wonder why you're still updating your facebook status or foursquaring or tweeting or checking your email while you're on vacation. Just check in, check it out and don't let it consume your time.

That's my little piece of advice anyway.

And you got it here on the Friday Night Rant, August 6, 2010.

Belated Toronto Indy Rant

2010-07-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

It’s been a few weeks since I put fingers to keyboard and sounded off. Which is my bad because I’d made a commitment to rant about the Honda Indy. So, it may be belated, but I hope you enjoy the commentary:

First up, let’s talk about the race itself.

If memory serves me correctly, almost a third of the race was run under the yellow flag. Which makes for a very boring event. It’s like watching a hockey game where every third shift, the ref calls a penalty. There was really no flow to the race at all. And very few surprises. Except for the fact that these guys aren’t really the greatest drivers. Ok, I can hear the moaning start – what are you talking about? They drive at 150 mph in a little tin can? They’re amazing! Yeah, perhaps, if you’re comparing them to the average Joe puttering away in his average jalopy. But if you compare these Indy drivers to the caliber of F1 drivers, you’d have a whole different perspective – namely mine. That Indy drivers make the stupidest technical errors resulting in clipping other cars, spinning out in tight corners, etc… These were the type of mistakes that made the Honda Indy a huge bore. And would put them in last place in any Grand Prix.

Now, I’d like to comment on the “spectacle” of the Indy itself. Quite an interesting crowd you get down there. There are those that are clearly into racing. And others that probably just come down to sniff exhaust fumes and get shit-faced. Which I saw plenty of. In fact, there was this one dickhead that didn’t watch a second of the race, but spent his entire afternoon groping waitresses in the Hooters beer garden where I ended up for a better part of the day. Why, you may ask? Not by choice. You see, apparently the organizers of the race don’t believe that Torontonians are mature enough to be able to sip on a cold one in the stands.

If you want to have a beer, you either have to be in a VIP tent or go to either the Hooters or Budweiser patios. A brief word on the latter. We stood in line for close to 20 minutes before finally being told when we reached the front of the line that we needed to have a Bud VIP Pass to get in. Do you think it would’ve pained them to put up a fucking sign somewhere letting people know that? And I wasn’t the only one. For every 10 people that got in, 3-4 were turned away at the gate. Not making me feel real warm and fuzzy about Bud. From there, we went over to the Hooters beer garden where we spent most of the race. The irony is, even though it was on a decent turn, 90% of the people watched the race on the big screen TV and never once turned around when the cars went whizzing by.

But back to the whole being treated like children thing, I don’t understand what the fear is of having people take beer back to their grandstand seats.

Do you they think someone is going to throw a beer onto the track? Aside from the fact that the beer was outrageously priced (so why would one waste $10 worth of suds?), I don’t think anyone would hurl a projectile onto the track. But I don’t doubt that’s what was behind the “we-better-be-safe-you-never-know” mentality.

At F1 in Montreal, on the other hand, you can bring your own damned cooler and wander freely with whatever concoction you put in it. That’s because this event tends to attract true fans that respect the racers and their skills. And they’re probably not so much worried about some mullet-head tossing something onto the track. (For the record, F1 does have its fair share of yahoos, but not nearly to the extent of Indy fans who are about 6 teeth better than Nascar fans).

Overall, I had a good day nonetheless. But I don’t think I’ll be rushing back next year. Or any year after. I think I’ll save my money and go to Montreal for the Grand Prix.

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, July 30, 2010.

T.O. This Week

2010-06-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there have been a number of events, both good and bad, that have garnered the attention of the Rant this week.

First up: G20 summit. Over $2 billion in security yet some guy fires off a shot in the entertainment district and doesn't get caught. Yay cops! Honestly, I equate this to killing an ant with a wrecking ball. It's gone so far over the top, it's insane. It's like living in a police state. Just imagine someone from a foreign country watching the coverage and seeing downtown Toronto. 10' high security fences, boarded up stores, police in riot gear everywhere. You'd think it was East Germany in the 70s. Or North Korea. It's a fucking nightmare! And the complete antithesis of what Canada stands for. I'm well embarrassed.

Next: the HST. I got a letter in my mail announcing that my monthly equal billing payment was increasing about 20% due to an Ontario Energy Board increase and the HST. Fuck me! Really? Why Dalton McGuilty hasn't been dragged out of Queen's Park by his testicles for the way he has screwed over Ontario taxpayers is beyond me. All while saying that he has never raised taxes. Dalton, please cross the 401 during rush hour. Like Frogger. And get scribbled.

Finally: just to follow up on my Rant from last week, I am so pleased that both finalists from the 2006 World Cup are eliminated. France & Italy - bye-bye. It couldn't happen to two better arrogant, footballing nations.

And that's this week's brainfart - short but sweet - for Friday, June 25, 2010.

The 2010 FIFA World Crap

2010-06-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me begin by saying that I'm a huge football fan. (You'll notice right away that I am using the correct term for the sport). So, it actually pains me to write about what is turning out to be a somewhat pathetic display of football. To date, there have only been maybe 3 matches that were truly an exhibition of the beautiful game. Most matches have been horribly boring and brutal to watch.

Just look at all the superstar countries that have failed dismally so far on the pitch: Italy, Portugal, France and dreadfully poor England. Indulge me for a second on the latter team. England has to have one of the best teams on paper, bar none. The entire team plays in what is perhaps one of the toughest leagues on the planet - The English Premier League. Yet put them all on the pitch at once and look what happens. They're passing has been horrendous. Their finish in the box, hopeless. And their drive and passion, abysmal. Some may argue that England had a great qualifying campaign. And while that may be true, what really matters is what happens on the big stage - the main event. And they're not even turning up to play. Mr. Capello, might I suggest you sit some of those underperforming superstars on the bench and give the guys that really want a shot at it, a chance to play. Bench Lampard and put in Joe Cole. Give Jermaine Defoe a proper outing and start him. Put Carrick on pitch in place of Aaron Lennon (who has apparently forgotten how to run at the defence with the ball). Etc... Changes are needed. Apathy should not be tolerated. Yet that's how Capello seems to be running the team right now.

Anyway, enough about England.

What about the fans?

People are freaking out because the South African fans are blowing their vuvuzelas. They're complaining that they're too noisy and annoying to listen to on TV when they drone on all game long. I say, shut the hell up. It's their country and if that's what they choose to do, so be it. Banning them from games is ridiculous. Suck it up and get used to it. They ain't going away. Nor should they. Blow your vuvuzelas I say!

And now, for a final word on fans, I'd like to call out one fan group in particular and shit on their parade - Italy (not that it's all Italy fans, but a helluvalot of them). For the love of god man, it's a game! Chill the hell out and don't be such assholes. Let me describe the scene for you in Little Italy earlier this week after their very lucky 1-1 draw with Paraguay. I left the office after the game and immediately I run into two guys are being arrested right outside the Bos office. I walk towards the Green P to my car and a bunch of guys are walking down the street yelling "Fuck Paraguay!" while elementary age school kids pass by. Then there's another fight on the corner by the Diplimatico. And then, when I finally do get to my car, it's blocked in by a bunch of cars sporting massive Italy flags - all parked illegally in the middle of the lot. Clearly these ignorant bastards didn't give a rat's ass about who they were blocking in. Fortunately, it only took a minute before the owner (with his Azurri shirt on and painted flags on his cheeks) came walking in and when I asked him if he could speed it up a bit, his response was "Fuck yourself! Italy rules." Now that, my friends, is the mark of an intelligent man. As I said, I'm not saying all Italy fans are dickheads, but I've heard similar stories from other pockets of Toronto where they congregate to watch matches.

Finally, I'll end on a couple of positive notes.

The Nike World Cup campaign is awesome. Big and impressive. Who would have ever thought that someone would say, "You know that one hit wonder band from the 70s - Focus? Let's use their Hocus Pocus song for the soundtrack to the ad." Genius.

Another glass half full thought - the World Cup still has a lot of time to improve from the snorefest it currently is. Or, we can at least hope so.

Oh, and Go England!

And that's my brainfart for Friday, June 18, 2010.

F.U.B.P.

2010-06-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this rant has been brewing since April 20th when BP began fucking up the planet.

I'm not going to dwell too much on how it happened or the stats about how many barrels a day are spewing out into the Gulf of Mexico. All you need to do is look at the pictures of the pelicans, dead fish and other wildlife trying to carry on with their lives covered in thick black crap. It breaks my heart to see it. It's truly an ecological nightmare, the likes of which has never been seen on this planet.

Some people would like you to believe that it's just one project gone wrong - one mistake that shouldn't tar an entire industry. (In fact, I heard some stupid jackass say that "we wouldn't stop flying planes because of a singular crash" - really, what a stupid fucking analogy). Anyway, that kind of thinking is typical of an industry that needs to deflect responsibility from the real problem. Which is this: the world needs to get off the petroleum crack and find other renewable sources of power. Which there's no real corporate willpower to do. There's too much money to be made doing it the old way, with what's proven and known to generate profit. But, at what expense?

If I had it my way, this is what I'd do:

Freeze BP. Lock them out of the stock market, seize their assets and liquidate the company. Then take every fucking penny and make them pay for the shit they've created. Clean up the mess for god's sake.

Then, I'd tell every car company that if they don't switch over all their manufacturing to electric, hydrogen or ethanol-based engines and make these vehicles affordable to the general public, their corporate taxes will increase by 200%.

Then I'd challenge all industry that relies upon petroleum products to follow suit or face the same kind of tax policy.

Yes, this all may not be immediately realistic. But, nothing has made me realize the need to shift our thinking like the Gulf oil spill. Global warming? It's a theory right? We can't physically see it. But nothing has punctuated humankind's obsession with oil for me like what's going on now.

And is it just me or does anyone else find it fucking amazing that a nation that can put a man on the moon and split the atom can't come up with a solution to this problem? James Cameron - don't apologize, you're right - the engineers are a bunch of fucking morons.

I have no idea when this will end. Or, how. I just hope it's soon.

And that's my brain fart for Friday, June 11, 2010.

Smoking - Very Fucking Funny

2010-05-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

So this week the biggest "funny" video going around the web is the Indonesian 2 year-old that smokes up to 40 cigarettes a day.

If you haven't seen it yet, here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEoYUF6ENF8

Apparently, this young toddler really enjoys having a smoke after he finishing nursing on his mother's teat (hey, who doesn't love a good smoke after a meal) and while he's having his diaper changed (maybe to drown out the smell of his own shit). Oh, and he gets cranky if he has his ciggies taken away from him. What comedy!

The reality of this is simple: it's fucking pathetic. The fact that the general population finds this entertaining is actually quite disturbing. Just because it's happening halfway around the world in a poor country shouldn't make it fodder for our amusement.

Did I laugh when I first saw it? Yes, for a few seconds. But then disgust set in. Then anger. These parents are killing their child at a point in his life when his lungs and body are still developing. Good for you dad - introducing your child to cigarettes at just 14 months old. What a great role model. And no doubt, he's banking money off the future death of his own son. Did you hear the cameras of international journalists snapping away while the lad has a fag? I bet he made a whole $5 off selling the story of his smoking 2 year-old son to the media.

But, for me, this whole thing just compounded the way I really feel about cigarettes and the fact that they are legitimately killing millions of people every year. And it's all 100% legal. All the "stop smoking" efforts in the world won't stop it. I should know. I have two daughters aged 15 and 17 and 75% of their friends smoke. Thank god, they don't (actually, I bribed them - $200 on their 16 birthday and $500 on their 19th; after that I figure they're relatively safe). Sincerely, thank god. Nicotine is one of the most vile, addictive substances known to humankind. And nicotine and all its lovely toxic chemical buddies are known to kill.

How powerful is nicotine addiction? Let me put it this way. I know someone in my life whom I love dearly. She was diagnosed with cancer (not lung cancer, but nonetheless) and had to undergo surgery to have her bladder removed. She was told in no uncertain terms by the doctors that she had to stop smoking. Period. She didn't. A few months later, she was diagnosed with another tumour on her spine. She went through 2 months of gruelling chemo and radiation. And, believe it or not, she still smokes.

I'm not sure if any of you out there have similar stories or know people fighting cancer, but it just goes to show the grip that cigarettes have on people. It's immoral that they are still legal and sold.

Fuck the free market capitalists who claim that if people want to smoke, they need to provide the product. It's bullshit. They created the problem in the first place through mass production and false advertising. And it's about time big business or the general public did something to shut down these purveyors of poison.

And what about the government? Yes, they make tax dollars off smokes but they fork out even more (and will continue to) in healthcare to address the problem. Rather, governments should subsidize the tobacco farmers and help them grow other crops. Help factories retool to process other byproducts. Shit convert every tobacco farm over to a hemp one and turn the factories into processing plants that turn it into clothing, twine or hundreds of other products hemp can make. Or just close all the fuckers down! Set their fields on fire!

It is a crime against humanity that we continue to let our children and loved ones be destroyed by cigarettes.

If there's a smoker in your life that you love, please, for their own sake and everyone around them, talk to them about quitting. It's the best thing you'll ever do for them.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, May 28, 2010.

Pioneer Poo(ls)

2010-05-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, yet another story about customer service. It's becoming a rather common theme here on the Friday Night Rant. Which just goes to show you the state of the nation when it comes to companies backing their products and services. For the most part, they suck. And it also proves that a great many companies are also out to lunch when it comes to what people are saying about their brands online.

Anyway, I digress. Let's get to the good shit shall we. This week: Pioneer Pools. Purchased and installed our pool about 5 years ago now. And I've pretty much had them open and close it every year. After doing it as a kid for countless years, I can attest to how nasty a job it is.

This year was no different. I forked out the usual sum (which btw I kind of resent because they sincerely gouge you) and booked my opening. In the past, they've done a pretty decent job. There's always been a bit of clean-up on my part required...but this year, good lord.

In September, I distinctly remember vacuuming the pool to get it spic and span the day before the cover went on. So, I was more than a bit surprised to see the state of my pool when I got a good look at it this morning. It looked like they'd slid the cover off the pool and let all the leaves roll into the water. Really. It looked like my entire ash tree had given itself a shake and dumped every leaf into the pool. Because I know for a fact that I left it spotless, this lazy ass way of taking off a cover is clearly how my pool came to look the way it did. It took me 3 turns of sucking up the crap and emptying the skimmer and pump. Three! Which took me over 2 hours.

Then, they'd washed the cover off so that all the crap on it went all over my deck. Brown scum everywhere. Which took me about an hour to wash down (yes, I'm a bit of a neat freak).

Then they'd left a bunch of chemicals with no instructions on what to do with them.

They also didn't bother hooking up my salt water chlorinator.

And they left all the skanky, break-your-back-trying-to-lift-them garbage bags right beside the pool. They didn't even bother to put them down by the curb or at the side of the house. This took me yet another hour to clean up.

So, if I assess the amount of time I spent cleaning up their mess, I think I could've done it myself properly in the same time. Which really pisses me off.

Naturally, being "that guy" I called up Pioneer to voice my displeasure and ask them what the hell they were thinking by leaving bags of chemicals with no instructions and my backyard looking like a shitstorm had rolled through it. Their response was that they're very busy this time of year. Wow, that's it. No "We're sorry about that." or "Is there anything we can do to help?" or "Why don't you come in for a complementary bag of salt for your pool as a token of our appreciation of your business." Nothing. Nada. Just a sorry excuse for why they suck.

I've got an idea. Instead of worrying about how many pool openings you can do in one day, why not focus on doing them right so people like me don't go out and tell the world how bad your service is. Why not opt for quality as opposed to quantity. Because I can tell you one thing - I will NEVER use Pioneer Pools again to either open or close my pool. And if you do the math and factor in that a pool is a long-term commitment, they just lost some significant revenue. But clearly, I guess they figure that once they've sold you the pool, they can pretty much treat you like shit and you'll keep coming back for more. Well, there are other options out there. And I'll be using them.

Kind of makes me glad that I didn't bother fishing that dead, bloated, maggot-infested raccoon out of my pool before they opened it. At least I can take some solace that those lazy bastards had that task to take care of.

And that's my brainfart for Friday, May 21, 2010.

Happy first long weekend of the summer to all.

Screw You Nikon!

2010-05-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

So, this week I had a customer service experience that simply didn’t measure up to what I would’ve expected from a brand of this stature. To paint the picture, Nikon is one of the world’s leading photography brands – I’m sure everyone knows that. So, you'd expect them to act like one right?

Well, far from it...

But before I regale you of their pathetic deficiencies, let me give you a bit of background.

This is my daughter’s DSLR. It’s about 9 months old and has been used a half dozen times. Maybe. She’s so protective of it, that she’ll barely let me get my hands on it. She cares for it as if were an egg. One day as she was taking some snaps, she noticed that the zoom on the lens seemed a bit loose. It wasn’t auto-focusing properly when she tried to go macro on some shots. And to me, based on how she took care of the camera, spelled manufacturer’s defect.

So, my wife took it into Nikon and was told that, no worries, it should be covered until warranty. (Which, by the way, I had purchased the extended 3-year coverage for). Furthermore, they said that it would be ready in a couple of days which was important because my daughter was going away for the weekend and wanted her camera back.

Just to make sure, my wife called the day before it was due for pick-up and got 2 surprises. One, that it would cost $100 because the “technician” had determined that the camera had sustained a blow to it that had caused the damage and, two, that she didn’t think it would be ready the next day. I couldn’t believe it!

So, then I called up customer service and asked how they had come to the determination that the camera had sustained a significant blow and the response was “that’s what the technician said.” That’s it. No further explanation. And when I asked why they hadn’t called to inform us of the cost and late pick-up, she said, and I quote, “I’m don’t know. I thought someone had called you.” Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed. I asked if they were willing to lose me as a Nikon customer for the sake of $100 part (which is probably like $20 to them) and she laughed. That’s right, she laughed! Then said, there’s nothing she could do – it is what it is. Really? It was like they didn’t care if they lost a customer – there’s always another one around the corner.

Well, I’ve got news for her. Screw Nikon and their market-leading, I-don’t-give-a-rat’s-ass, we-don’t-need-you attitude.

Hopefully this blog will reach many people who are sitting on the fence about whether to buy a Nikon or Canon camera. Here's my 2 cents: buy the Canon! I can’t say that I’ve dealt with Canon, but I bet they don’t have the arrogant attitude that Nikon does. And quite simply, they're better cameras.

Compare this customer service experience to another one I had this week with Apple. My older daughter’s Macbook was acting up and we took it back to the place we bought it. The retailer didn’t have a record of the AppleCare Warranty we had purchased on file so I phoned Apple customer service to check that it was, in fact, registered. Not only did Apple confirm the existence of the AppleCare warranty, but they asked for the email address of the retailer so they could contact them personally and inform them of the warranty registration number. Now that’s how real market leaders that care about their customers act.

So, net-net. Buy a Mac. Buy a Canon. And screw Nikon!

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, May 7, 2010.

Why Streetcars suck

2010-04-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

This week's post has really nothing to do with advertising or marketing. Which, to be honest, is a bit of a relief. This rant is more about human nature and how public transit tends to bring out the worst of us.

So, to put this in perspective, this Thursday was Earth Day. So, I figured I'd take public transit to reduce my carbon footprint for the day. Yay, me. It started off well. GO train from Clarkson, all good: got some work done, read the paper... Then, TTC from Union to College Park, not bad, quick...finished the crossword, read my horoscope, blah, blah, blah...

But then, it all went to the shitter when I had to get on the College streetcar.

This is what I don't get.

Why do the people on the streetcar jam up the front of the tram? Why can't they simply move to the back? Honestly. The back of the streetcar is barren. Move the fuck back! What? Is there a boogie man back there? Do you have an issue moving beyond the rear exit doors? Is there a black hole that is going to suck you into another universe?

Or, are you terrified to let go of the bar over your head and give up the one square foot of ground underneath you? The sacred ground you have claimed as your own.

I have never seen a more ignorant or oblivious bunch of people in my life.

In fact, yesterday, a woman with a cane got on the streetcar at the same time I did and had to shuffle "behind the white line" and no one offered her a seat because they were too concerned about protecting "their turf." And the whole time, the entire back of the streetcar was empty. I actually had to tap a guy on the shoulder and ask him to give up his seat so she could sit down.

So, this message goes out to all commuters who use streetcars. Move to the back for the love of god. It's not scary. There are no monsters or zombies back there. Be considerate and let people get onto this sad mode of transportation. Otherwise I may just take to wearing hockey equipment and body-checking your sorry asses out the door.

And that's my brain fart for Friday, April 23, 2010.

Peace out.

Telecaster Must Go

2010-04-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

For anyone in the advertising business that knows me, this week’s rant is something that I personally have expressed an opinion about on more than one occasion. And it’s got to do with the governing body that decides what’s fit for Canadians to see from a commercial content point of view. And that organization is known as Telecaster (who just this week rejected a couple of scripts I was working on for completely inane reasons – hence the Rant).

Anyone in the ad biz knows how this works. But let me explain for everyone else. Telecaster is an organization that, decades ago, was established as a self-regulating body for television advertising. Networks didn’t want to deal with advertising complaints and so The Television Bureau (TVB) created Telecaster to “screen” commercial scripts to make sure that “public decency” wasn’t being defiled. And, in turn, insulate networks from direct potential complaints. I did mention, decades ago right?

Now, let me tell you how it works.

An agency must submit a TV script to Telecaster in order to get approval to air it. Now, you’d think that an organization with this much power would be a large body consisting of the heads of broadcast corporations, cultural anthropologists and other such intelligent folks. They’d be truly national in scope and aligned with and considerate of the content of TV programming that the commercials were being broadcast on.

But then you’d be wrong.

Telecaster literally consists of a very small group of people that self-interpret a very loose “code” and make decisions on what “they” deem acceptable for over 33 million Canadians to see. Hey, sounds just like communism – a small minority deciding what’s acceptable for everyone else to watch. (Or call it plain old censorship).

But the truly fucked up part is the code itself. It’s not like the criminal code that’s very prescriptive and cut and dry. Telecaster’s code is so wide open to interpretation that your commercial can literally be killed on what they deem to be in “good taste” or not. And we’re putting this in the hands of a bunch of ultra-conservatives.

And guess what? It doesn’t matter jack shit about the TV programming that the commercial is going to appear on. For example, years ago, I had a spot that was supposed to air on the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johansen in which a woman dressed in sweats (after noticing her vibrating laundry machine) comedically and awkwardly rubs up against it. The spot was rejected because you’re not allowed to show "self-stimulation." Meanwhile, back from commercial break, here’s Sue waving around a 12” rubber dildo. Another case? We came up with a new flavour of slushie for Mac’s called Whack and created a double entendre-laced spot that was supposed to be air during The Family Guy. We had to bleep out both the name in the audio and “black-out” the name of the drink on the cup. On a show that features a pedophile character and a perverted, over-sexed pilot - giggety-giggety. Really?

And if you think it’s just sex, think again. We had a situation with a certain sandwich franchise that, even after we got initial approval for the spot, Telecaster tried to prevent us from airing because a male character was mistakenly struck on the head with a frying pan by his wife. “You can’t show hits the head,” we were told. I can’t tell you the bullshit we went through to finally get a “Telecaster-approved version” on the air (including having to get rid of any sound effects of the “hit”). Then not 2 months later, Pepsi Max came out with a spot in which a guy gets hit in the head, not once, but twice with a golf club; another guy gets a bowling ball dropped on his head; another guy stands up in a limo sunroof and strikes his head on a highway underpass… And I’m being punished for a frying pan whack? How the fuck isn’t this a double standard? I’ll tell you what I think. Pepsi spends way more money than my client did in TV advertising. But you draw your own conclusions.

AND…I could go on and on and on and on. (By the way, most recently, sorry Mitsubishi).

The point is this. Telecaster is out of touch. Their guidelines simply don't reflect what’s going on in current TV programming. The current crop of popular shows, like 30 Rock, Two & A Half Men, Family Guy, etc… are exploring more mature themes and sexual innuendo than ever before. So why are Telecaster’s guidelines not keeping pace? There is a real discrepancy between what is permissible or deemed acceptable from a TV content versus commercial content perspective.

Furthermore, Telecaster is actually fucking the very networks that they were once hired to police. Advertisers and agencies are getting fed up with the bullshit regulations and they’re taking their money other places (hello Internet). And we’re left with what? A bleak TV commercial landscape where ads take no risk and offend no one.

If you don’t believe me, ask yourselves this: when was the last time that you saw a commercial that really made you stop and take notice? That might have even made you feel a bit uncomfortable? That made you break down laughing because it was so wrong but seemed so right?

As far as TV commercials are concerned, Canada is becoming the land of milquetoast and mediocrity.

So, here’s my plea. I want to encourage advertisers, agencies and everyday people who love great commercials to petition for a more liberal interpretation of “ethics” or simply put the onus back on the networks as it was at the beginning of TV. Because, the reality is, Telecaster ain’t working. And so much fantastic, creative and funny advertising is being wrongly shielded from Canadians. So, write tvb@tvb.ca and let them know that they need to stop the censorship, get it right or get lost.

The question is, who has the balls to stand with me for change?

And that’s my brainfart for Friday, April 9, 2010.

Travel Agents = Dinosaurs

2010-03-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

So, I just came back from a trip to Belize. And it was wonderful. Really spectacular, lifetime memories type stuff. But a few things did go wrong. And there was a common factor...a travel agent.

Normally, I do my own research, book my own trip online, reserve my seats, the whole deal. But this year I had a reco from a colleague that said if I was planning on going south to either Cuba or Central America (Panama, Belize, Honduras), I should try her travel agent. Okay, I thought, I'll check it out.

I still did my TripAdvisor, LonelyPlanet research and decided that Belize looked like a really interesting place and with that in my head, I went to Solways Travel on College Street.

The agent seemed relatively competent and walked me through the entire package, the fact that I had to connect in Roatan, Honduras to my final destination, etc... The one thing I insisted on in terms of accommodations was a 2-bedroom villa so my girls could have their own bedroom/bathroom. She said no problem. She also informed me that I would need $37 USD per person as a departure tax when I left Honduras on my way home. Okay. All set. All booked. Then, it got funky.

In the six weeks before I left, I occasionally checked out the reviews on my resort and noticed that some people were complaining about having to pay a $45 departure tax in Belize too. I called the agent and she had no clue. And it's a damned good thing I checked because they only take cash. Later in the day, she confirmed that yes, in fact, there is a second departure tax. Duh. Aren't travel agents supposed to know this?

Then, I started feeling a bit nervous. I knew I had reserved seats for the Sunwing flight to Honduras but I wasn't sure this would guarantee my seats for the connecting flight to Belize. She told me that the configuration of the second plane would likely be the same so I don't need to worry. As long as we all check in together for the flight, it should be fine. You should've seen the shock on my girls' faces when we landed in Roatan on a 737 and the connecting flight was a 13-seat Cessna. Same configuration eh? How about a 180-seat difference? Another fuck up! And to make matters worse, we got bumped onto a second flight (4 hours later) because we couldn't fit on the first one. So, now I'm seriously pissed. After all, by now I should be 3 rum punches deep and turning into a lump by the pool.

So, we finally arrive in Belize, I get to our hotel and when I check in, the person at the front desk gives me two keys for two separate rooms on two separate floors. "Wait a tick," I said, "My agent told me that she confirmed with you a 2-bedroom villa. She even said she followed up with an email." The guy shakes his head No, then even goes through his email history and there's no sign of a message from "Solways Travel." So, she fucking lied to me. The final nail in the coffin. (The upside was that we got bumped up into a 3-bedroom apartment which was truly outstanding!)

So, what does this tell you about travel agents? In my estimation, I would've been better off doing it myself like I'd done before. The agent added no value, no insight and no reason to ever do business with them again. In fact, quite the opposite. Which is why I'm writing this rant.

My advice on booking travel is no different than that age old axiom, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."

And that's my brain fart for Friday, March 26, 2010.

Bad Bad CRM Tiering

2010-03-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

This week’s rant is directed at Air Canada, specifically Aeroplan. Yes, I know, in the past I’ve raged about my flying experiences but this one is about an experience I had before I even boarded a flight.

You see, this January, I received a shiny package from Aeroplan announcing that I had been upgraded to Prestige Status (ooooh). They gave me a nice new fancy card and a bunch of bonus options. I could have access to the Maple Leaf Lounge, get flight upgrades, free nights at a hotel, etc… So, given that I knew I’d be flying a bit over the next year, mostly to Calgary, a 4 1/2 hour flight, I chose the upgrades.

Now I’m all excited. I like business class. You get a choice of hot food, attentive service and they don’t hide after serving you one drink. Oh, and the hot towels – they’re nice too. Anyway, I called up Aeroplan and I’m like, “Hey, I’m calling to use one of my upgrade certificates.” To which their response was, “Sorry, but there are no more upgrade seats available on the plane.” “What do you mean? Is business class full?” I ask. “No,” replies the Aeroplan rep, “but we only assign a certain number of seats per flight for upgrade certificates and they’re all taken.”

Hmm, great. So, I get on the flight to Calgary and I notice that there’s a spare seat in business class. So, I call over the head of in-flight service, show her my Upgrade Certificate and say, “Excuse me. I noticed that there is an empty seat up there and I have this certificate. It would be great if I could actually use it.” His response was, “We’re not allowed to accept upgrade certificates on flight. They have to be redeemed no later than the check-in counter.” Which really pissed me off. To be told twice in one day that I couldn’t use certificates that they had sent me as a “valued and frequent flyer with Air Canada.”

Next, I’m in Calgary and I figure, okay, I’ll give it another shot on the return flight. I wait on the phone listening to muzak for 15 minutes and when I do get a live person, she informs me that, once again, I can’t use an upgrade certificate because business class is full. So, I ask to be put on standby. She says, “I can do that but there are others on standby too so chances are you won’t get to use it.” Wow, how awesome is that? What great customer service.

So, now here I am with 8 upgrade certificates that I likely won’t be able to use, especially on the longer distance flights that tend to sell out business class. Had I known this, I would’ve opted for another “reward.”

Needless to say, I’m not feeling any different as a Prestige Aeroplan member than I did as a regular one. So, what’s the frickin’ point?

Aeroplan. Not impressed.

And that’s my brain fart for Friday, March 5, 2010.

Olympics Part 2

2010-02-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

Is there any hotter topic in Canada right now (other than the daily death toll of pedestrians in Toronto)? No it's the Olympics. So, I can't help but reflect on week 1 of the Vancouver Olympic Games.

Rah rah, yeah yeah, I'm so proud to be a Canadian right now and show off our beautiful country to the world. There. My patriotism's done. And would I love to be in Whistler right now partying? Absolutely.

But...

This is a rant. And rant I must. So, here are 5 things that have managed to completely piss me off about our Olympics:

1. The Opening Ceremonies. Anyone that has befriended me on facebook knows that last Friday I was posting live commentary on the festivities. But for those who weren't, here are my observations. To start with, what's with those transparent dildos that raised out of the ground? Oh sorry, they were totems? No, they looked liked big frickin' dildos. Second, I truly appreciate our aboriginal heritage, but was it me or did it feel a bit heavy in the First Nations department? Seriously, like the first 40 minutes were all about how Canada displaced them and they all drifted away on ice floes... It was frickin' depressing. As was the entire choice of music. Sarah Mclauchlin. KD Lang. That fucking "I Believe" song (wait I'll get to that in more detail). The entire world must be thinking, give those damned Canadians a Prozac already. Next, what's up with the f'd up hydraulics on the climax of the show - the lighting of the cauldron? I hope the technician in charge of that was fired the next day. Really? Come to Canada, the land of computer glitches. And finally, the whole Gretzky lighting the cauldron that wasn't the real cauldron who had to be escorted out of the stadium when he ran the wrong way, who ended up in a pick-up truck in a traffic jam looking like a deer in the headlights, etc... What a joke the entire thing was.

2. As previously mentioned, the "I Believe" theme. I think if I hear that "dah-dah-dah, dah-dah-dah, da-dah-daaah-da" song again, I may actually go postal. David Foster, I now officially hate you and the composer. And CTV even more for ramming it down our throats at every damned opportunity.

3. CTV coverage. Do they actually show any damned sports? I get it - you can go to TSN or RSO to see individual events. But can they at least show one goddamned sport instead of the overkill of athlete profiles, mentor profiles, look what I've overcome to get here profiles, etc...? And can the announcers be more over the top? Honestly, it sounds like the smallest of actions is a monumental occasion. Like a bad AM DJ.

4. Alex Bilodeau. Great, he won a gold medal. First one on home soil for Canada. But for the love of god, can you take off your fucking toque during the national anthem? Weren't you ever taught that as a kid - they announce it at every professional sporting event you go to. Maybe not though in the old Forum or Bell Centre. Snap!

5. Our fixation on medals. Can we just enjoy the damned games without constantly looking down at our proverbial national penises? If we don't win gold in a sport we were expected to (downhill skiing, speed skating or figure skating, for example), get over it. Move on. Stop lamenting it every time the announcer comes on. And stop speculating. "Oh, we may win a Gold tonight." "We're expected to win a Gold in this event." Shut up already and let the athletes do their thing. They don't need the negativity or the added pressure.

I could go on, but I'm sure I've managed to ruffle enough feathers by now, that I should call it a night.

And that's my brain fart for Friday, February 19, 2010.

Let's the Games end!

Olympic Overdose

2010-02-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

I’m not anti-patriotic, let me get that dead straight. And I have no problem with Canada promoting itself. Hell, why not showcase our country. But, I gotta’ say, if I see one more CTV “I Believe” ad, I’m going to vomit.

You can’t actually watch 10 minutes of the channel without being bombarded with cheesy athlete profiles and sweeping anthemic jingles. And do we really need to know where the frickin’ torch is every damned second? Worse yet, it’s been going on for over a year now. It’s too much. Much too much.

Which is unfortunate because we should be excited, proud and anxious for the games to start. But there’s been so much promotional overkill that it’s kind of like a movie that’s been so hyped up that you kind of lose interest in seeing it.

I won’t even get started on the overwhelming amount of expected, unimaginative Olympics advertising (other than CTV) that I’ve seen. Can someone please break the formula?! But I do tip my hat to the RBC flame spot. Nice visual effects. Not an athlete in sight. Understated. And emotive. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of other stuff that compares. Let’s hope that when the Games really kick in, we’ll se some better advertising. But I won’t hold my breath.

And me? I’ll be tuning into another channel than CTV to watch the Olympics.

It’s been short. But that’s my brain fart for Friday, February 12, 2010.